anagramofbrat (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
anagramofbrat) wrote2014-02-25 11:37 pm
anagramofbrat) wrote2014-02-25 11:37 pm
Dark
Oh god I'm starting to become one of those people that never posts here anymore. Not good. Especially given my state of mind lately (not bloody good) you would think I'd be translating the mental ick into words. But I haven't been, which may be a little bit of the reason I've been pretty fucked up lately.
It's only a little bit of the reason though. This winter has just been... dark for me, for various reasons. I mean, I've survived worse, but I'm wearying of this ongoing depressive cycle, especially as it looks like it's just going to wear itself on into month #3. Hooray. But seriously, my silence online almost directly corresponds to my silence in other aspects as well - I've hermited up good. Hanging out and watching Movie 43 (which was TERRIBLE btw, don't waste your time) with folks Saturday evening was probably the most social I've been since... yeah. *sigh* Oh there have been good bits of course, but they're quite quickly absorbed into the ick.
I know a good part of this is me still working through Dad's passing. I went through about a month of being numb, even relieved. Now the hurt is setting in hard. I never expected to miss his monthly or so nagging to call him so much. Really his fussing in general. That old black man snicker he'd do after he'd ask after Drew and I'd reply with "eh, I haven't murdered him yet..." And I've been... afraid? I guess to return to New York and confront the true emptiness of the house. Last time didn't count, it was jam packed with relatives. Now it's just my cousin there with occasional stopovers from Ruthy to make sure things haven't exploded. Hell, even Roy and the dog are gone, since he's moved in with his mom in Indy. I keep saying I'm going to go down and then end up not having the money or the spoons or whatever. But a lot of it is just... dread. And not wanting to deal with New York in winter especially since it's been snowpocalypsing more there than here (and we've been getting hammered) but mostly just dread.
One of the big stressors this month is Moonbeam and the UTI that will not die. He's been on special food for a month and a half now and two courses of antibiotics and this damn thing just will not quit. Much like last time, five days after he finished his antibiotics course he started showing symptoms again and now I'm just at my wits end. I know on some level this is just what happens with an old cat, especially one that hasn't been cared for barely at all and has been eating the worst bargain basement kitty kibble Dad could find on sale. I could go on an extended rant on my family's attitude and treatment of animals, especially cats, but that's just going to work me into a pissed off lather and I don't have the spoons for that. But this has been a drain on my ability to can, and also on my already strapped wallet. I honestly don't know what we're going to do if it turns out we can't lick this thing, or if he ends up needing surgery or something. It breaks my heart because other than this, he's a joy - affectionate and snuggly, purrs like an idling truck and just has these big old green eyes full of all the love ever and the idea of losing him is just... not doing good things for my psyche right now. Its like, no. Not right now. Not so soon after Dad. But it's like what do we do? I was not ready to have to revisit this feeling of complete and utter helplessness in the face of possibly fatal illness again, not this soon. And then there's just this overarching sense of failure - I'm already carrying a buttload of guilt over not being there enough for Dad last year, but now I can't even do right by his damn cat.
So yeah... my state of mind is not so great right now.
Well in ways-to-escape-dealing-with-it news, Boo is progressing despite having to rip him out and start over four or so rows in. I have this bulk spool of black nylon thread that I keep attempting to use lying around and the attempts just end up frustrating failures because it's too thick for the kind of thing I'm doing, since it involves multiple passes through a weensy bead with a thickish needle. (for the craft - it's actually much thinner than a sewing needle). I can't quite bring myself to chuck it though, so I think I'm going to save it for loom stringing, if I ever go back to doing things that way. Hand weaving takes a lot longer but the resupt comes out so much better looking... anyway. Nothing majorly exciting yet - I'll take more pictures when I get down to his actual eyebrows cause right now all I got is the top of his... head? Can Mario ghosts be said to have heads?
So that's me right now. This too will pass, I know it will. I just want it to pass a little sooner rather than later.
It's only a little bit of the reason though. This winter has just been... dark for me, for various reasons. I mean, I've survived worse, but I'm wearying of this ongoing depressive cycle, especially as it looks like it's just going to wear itself on into month #3. Hooray. But seriously, my silence online almost directly corresponds to my silence in other aspects as well - I've hermited up good. Hanging out and watching Movie 43 (which was TERRIBLE btw, don't waste your time) with folks Saturday evening was probably the most social I've been since... yeah. *sigh* Oh there have been good bits of course, but they're quite quickly absorbed into the ick.
I know a good part of this is me still working through Dad's passing. I went through about a month of being numb, even relieved. Now the hurt is setting in hard. I never expected to miss his monthly or so nagging to call him so much. Really his fussing in general. That old black man snicker he'd do after he'd ask after Drew and I'd reply with "eh, I haven't murdered him yet..." And I've been... afraid? I guess to return to New York and confront the true emptiness of the house. Last time didn't count, it was jam packed with relatives. Now it's just my cousin there with occasional stopovers from Ruthy to make sure things haven't exploded. Hell, even Roy and the dog are gone, since he's moved in with his mom in Indy. I keep saying I'm going to go down and then end up not having the money or the spoons or whatever. But a lot of it is just... dread. And not wanting to deal with New York in winter especially since it's been snowpocalypsing more there than here (and we've been getting hammered) but mostly just dread.
One of the big stressors this month is Moonbeam and the UTI that will not die. He's been on special food for a month and a half now and two courses of antibiotics and this damn thing just will not quit. Much like last time, five days after he finished his antibiotics course he started showing symptoms again and now I'm just at my wits end. I know on some level this is just what happens with an old cat, especially one that hasn't been cared for barely at all and has been eating the worst bargain basement kitty kibble Dad could find on sale. I could go on an extended rant on my family's attitude and treatment of animals, especially cats, but that's just going to work me into a pissed off lather and I don't have the spoons for that. But this has been a drain on my ability to can, and also on my already strapped wallet. I honestly don't know what we're going to do if it turns out we can't lick this thing, or if he ends up needing surgery or something. It breaks my heart because other than this, he's a joy - affectionate and snuggly, purrs like an idling truck and just has these big old green eyes full of all the love ever and the idea of losing him is just... not doing good things for my psyche right now. Its like, no. Not right now. Not so soon after Dad. But it's like what do we do? I was not ready to have to revisit this feeling of complete and utter helplessness in the face of possibly fatal illness again, not this soon. And then there's just this overarching sense of failure - I'm already carrying a buttload of guilt over not being there enough for Dad last year, but now I can't even do right by his damn cat.
So yeah... my state of mind is not so great right now.
Well in ways-to-escape-dealing-with-it news, Boo is progressing despite having to rip him out and start over four or so rows in. I have this bulk spool of black nylon thread that I keep attempting to use lying around and the attempts just end up frustrating failures because it's too thick for the kind of thing I'm doing, since it involves multiple passes through a weensy bead with a thickish needle. (for the craft - it's actually much thinner than a sewing needle). I can't quite bring myself to chuck it though, so I think I'm going to save it for loom stringing, if I ever go back to doing things that way. Hand weaving takes a lot longer but the resupt comes out so much better looking... anyway. Nothing majorly exciting yet - I'll take more pictures when I get down to his actual eyebrows cause right now all I got is the top of his... head? Can Mario ghosts be said to have heads?
So that's me right now. This too will pass, I know it will. I just want it to pass a little sooner rather than later.