Tabula Rasa

[anagramofbrat]

[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]
Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past! Ha ha!
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. [swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way] Ha! You see? So what are you going to do?
Simba: First, I'm gonna take your stick...

--The Lion King

There's a lesson to be learnt here, and I could wax all poetical and philosophical and stuff about what I think it is, but it's after midnight and there are things I'd rather be doing. Like watching the cat make an ass out of herself chasing virtual rats into digital holes on the iPad.

I will say this much though. I was thinking about a conversation I had recently with a friend and it slowly dawned on me that I became the sort of person that if certain people made the effort to reach out to me and asked for forgiveness for whatever past wrongs they've inflicted, i'd not only reject the request, but actively take pleasure in the rejection. Or not care. Or something equally crushing. And look, I know how hard it is to reach out to someone and say "hey, you know what, I fucked up, and I'm sorry." Hell there are still people I haven't been brave enough to say that to who actually deserve to hear it, and I know how much it would devastate me to hear "oh well that's nice for you, I don't care" or "fuck you." Even if I also recognize that it's entirely the other person's right to feel that way. It would still suck ass, and is probably why I haven't said boo to certain people. (And no, it's never who you think it is.)

Let me share a secret. Contrary to popular belief I don't like hurting people. Oh sure, sometimes it gives a momentary fleeting satisfaction in the heat of the moment, but that fades all too quickly. And knowing how damn difficult it is to apologize, I don't want to be the person who meets that often monumental effort with a "yeah well, no." Or silence. Or not giving a rats ass. Or a cutting put-down. I would like to be a nicer person than that. Most of the time, I am. When I'm not, there's a great deal of personal pain involved, and I certainly don't act my best. Ain't nothing but human after all. But I think I'm at a place where I'm stable, healed and happy enough to not be... I'm not sure what the word is, here. A grudge-holding bitch? Something.

I'm going to try an experiment in 2012, which is that everyone... EVERYONE, I say... gets a clean slate. On my end, I do my best to forgive the people on my Arya inspired litany of death and let go of old hurts and angers, however big or small they are, since all sitting on them does is poison me, my brain and my mental health. I seriously doubt I'll hear anything from the aforementioned people, but if I do, I will listen to what they have to say with open ears, mind and heart. And the same goes for me. There is still much I haven't forgiven myself for over the years.'

SO yeah, carte blanche. We'll see if anything comes of it.

Comments

[childthursday.livejournal.com]

This is a very, very powerful way to start off the New Year. Kudos and best wishes!

(I have one person I would tell to fuck off to if they apologized. I spent a lot of time hating myself for holding that grudge and telling myself to get past it...and then I took some time to think about why I wouldn't accept their apology. It's because they don't need to apologize - they've done that. I accept that they are sorry for what they did. What I need to hear from them is a "thank you" - I want to be thanked for the willing part I played in their little psycho-drama. They used me and got exactly what they wanted - so that damn person owes me a serious debt of gratitude.)

[horizonchaser.livejournal.com]

Wowowwowow. That's big, and I hope everything good comes of it. Especially to forgive yourself.