anagramofbrat: (good enough)
mreh. I have a cold. It sucks. I hate sniffling.

I also have the galloping depresseds. I know this because my desire to do anything is at less than zero. Which is a pity because there are cute kids to entertain, an unseasonably beautiful day outside, and Things To Do which are Not Getting Done and you know how that messes with me. But seriously about the only thing on my list for Do Want To Do is sleep.

Other than that? Things are okay. It's been a fairly good weekend with the short people. We took them both down to the Big E yesterday for the Amherst Model Railroad Show, and were treated to the sight of Lil'Beast's eyes about falling out of his head at every turn at the expanse of model trains around him, especially the large scale Thomas stuff. I didn't know they actually made Thomas stuff that can be used on actual model railroad track; don't know why I didn't assume they would as it seems to make sense (Thomas being the gateway drug into model trains that it is) but there ya go. I was also a little blindsided to find that a lot of the hobby vendors present also dealt in previous year Hess trucks; nearly spent $30 I didn't have to get my hands on the space shuttle one I missed a few years back. I always forget that prime Hess hunting time are the few months after Christmas when everyone's pretty much forgotten they exist. But anyway NOW I KNOW.

But yeah it was fun, and the kids enjoyed the model modules and train on display (we especially enjoyed a train equipped with a tiny digital camera broadcasting to screens around the track, and waited for it to pass us so we could wave at the camera and see ourselves do so. Cause we're dorks). I was kind of impressed with the kids present that were obviously show pros and came prepared with either laundry buckets or collapsible stools to stand on so they could see the tops of the various layouts. Considering both kids are getting to be sacks of mercury, if we go again, I'll have to remember to bring stools. Ah model trains! Another hobby I'd totally dabble in had I extra time or money. I totally had an HO scale train set as a kid.

Today, IDK, I've mostly spent it doing quiet things and somehow ending up in the opposite end of the house from the kids, which is funny because I'm not avoiding them on purpose, but I think [livejournal.com profile] cell23's trying to give me space or something. At any rate he's being quite kind to me while my head tries to descramble itself.

I had a post kicking around my brain about my last sojourn atop a bathroom scale and how I've arrived at what was my goal weight back when I was actively trying to lose it (and failing) almost three years ago. The funny thing about that... then, I didn't think it was realistically achievable for myself, nor did I really honestly want to be at that weight, so my "more reasonable goal" was 20 pounds heavier. Obviously now that I'm here by way of intestinal stupid rather than diet and exercise it clearly isn't everything I thought it would crack up to be. I did have an interesting thought process about it, how I felt initially like I kinda cheated my way down here, that I didn't really "earn" the weight loss, that a once-held goal didn't really mean anything without going through the actual food-I-like deprivation and the forcing myself to work out. And then my more sensible side kicked in and pointed out that while different, having to go though what I do daily with being sick sucks just as much in a different way and in a weird way I did kinda earn that smaller pants size I thought I wanted. Careful what you wish for, I guess. Course now, I don't give one rats about looking cute in smaller clothes, I want my curves back. Especially the tits. And to be, you know, a lot closer to actually healthy again. I've said it multiple times, I'll say it again - I was in the best shape of my life at 225lbs once upon a time. I'd take that over my 140lbs bag of wasted-looking bones any damn day. Meantime I'm just trying to remember how to eat like a human being again. It's been so frighteningly easy to find reasons and excuses not to, either through forgetting, or because it hurt too much several hours later, and the idea that I've gotten out of the habit of doing something so basic to plain survival is terrifying. But I seriously don't want to get any fucking smaller than I am right now.

I could also whine about creative stalling on various projects but I'm not gonna; I've whinged enough into this post, and I've made myself angry enough that maybe I can stomp off and do something rather than sit on my ass bitching to the Internet. One would hope anyway.

Date: 2012-01-30 01:20 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] filthyassistant.livejournal.com
I know exactly what you mean. The lightest I was during my recovery was 135 and my ass looked great. I felt horrible all the time, I never knew what would fit (one week my recently purchased skinny jeans were baggy), and all I wanted was to feel better. Regrettably, my body decided it was starving, so once I was off all the poisons making me sick, I gained it all back. At this point, I'm healthy enough that I can contemplate reasonable weight loss. Because lets face it, 50 lbs in two months is not a healthy rate of loss.

Here's to a healthier you. /cheering section

Date: 2012-01-30 04:25 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] northernwalker
northernwalker: (Default)
As someone who had* ulcerative colitis, I hear you. Yeah, you lose weight, but not healthily and what I lost most was muscle because I was so sick all the time.




*Had does not mean cured, it means they removed my entire large intestine- little TMI there, sorry.

Date: 2012-01-30 04:26 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] anagramofbrat.livejournal.com
Yipes. Thankfully most of my problem is in the ileum and jejunum, not the colon. Little more wiggle room if parts have to come out.
Edited Date: 2012-01-30 04:27 pm (UTC)

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