On seasons, self-image, cats and weddings

[anagramofbrat]

Meh, haven't made a nice mundane "blather about my life" post in a bit. It's not that I haven't been busy, its just the lack of anything of real note happening lately. Some of that's my fault - still mostly stuck in a mental funk that prevents me from getting as much accomplished as I'd like. But for the most part, la vida Andee is a good one.

I'm tired of this non-winter. I want to call it a wash and look ahead to the spring. Mostly for the warmer weather. Problem with losing a whole mess of weight is that fat=insulation, though who am I kidding, even 70 lbs ago, my hands still got ice-cube cold for almost no reason. Seriously considering painting my nails just so I don't have to look at them being purple all the time.

Speaking of a lack of insulation...



So, that's what I look like now. Sideshow Bob hair and "I'M TAKIN A PIKCHURR" scowl subject to change, of course. Again, thankfully, my appetite and therefore my weight are on an upswing lately, and while I'm still kind of horrified by the backs of my arms, my boobs, and the skeletal-ness of my hands, I'm okay with the rest of me. At least I've put back on enough to lose the weird hollows in my face and the visible ribs. That... No. Now I just look on the thin side of normal. I can deal with that, I think.

The only problem is that if I accept this version of myself and stay at this weight, I really do have to work on replacing almost my entire wardrobe. Actually quite of bit of my stuff in general needs replacing right now. The household stuff I'm mentally tallying for wedding registry type of purposes, but the clothes are gonna be hard. Right now my entire closet ranges from size 10 pants to size 20W, and mostly in the upper ranges of that. And we won't talk about the XL-XXL t-shirts. I may be making throw pillows this summer. Le Sigh. We all know how much I loathe clothes shopping right? Right. Okay.

And now for something completely different: a small boy with an iPad and a long suffering cat.



The picture is out of focus, but the expression on the cat's face is hilarious.

It occurred to me recently that we've had Lily for a little over a year now, since we adopted her around Valentine's Day last year. And much like any living creature that comes into ones life by whatever means, it has become very difficult to remember what life was like before the little rocket-powered asshole (cell23's name for her this morning) joined our little family. In the year since, she's gotten a lot less skittish, much prettier (good food'll do that to a kitty coat), and has proven herself to be one of the more patient cats I've ever known aside from Valentino. I say this because not only does she put up with cell23 turning into a giant galumphing kid around her, but she's also incredibly good with the kids. I think it might have helped that she's had one litter of her own at one point - there seems to be a long-suffering understanding that the two of them are, if you'll pardon the expression, cell23's kittens and must be dealt with accordingly. This isn't to say she hasn't hesitated to swat them when they deserved it - Lil'Beast sported a most badass looking scratch down one side of his face all day Sunday - but she neither flees nor hides from them, and in fact seems mildly upset after they go home, or at least aware that they're missing. And then there's her newest stunt, which is if I'm lying on the bed with a book or the iPad she'll either curl up on my belly or in the curve between my neck and shoulder and either look on or go to sleep. Dear gods, there is nothing more soporific than a cat purring like an idling truck into your ear.

tl;dr: we picked a good kitty. Or, more properly, a good kitty picked us.

In other news, I've gotta get the gears grinding back up on wedding plans. Thankfully Vicki is heading up in a couple weekends to help me deal with a lot of that and get deposits down on places and things, but in the meantime... I've been avoiding the project, I admit it. Too overwhelmed with details, I think, to the point where city hall is starting to look good again, lol. I should have a little extra free mental space since I'm excused from bells until after Easter after our performance on Sunday. Eh. Just have to get back on that particular saddle. Especially since cell23's mom is all giddy and wants to know details of what we're/I'm cooking up. smh. Wellp, I DO have a mostly free weekend coming up...

One last point before we go. I am amused that just among the Squirekids we have two, no, three NRE soaked budding relationships happening and two weddings. Must be just that time.

All right. I need orange juice. Peace.

Comments

[badrahessa.livejournal.com]

I look forward to a day when I can take that kind of picture of myself and i'm glad that you have put back on a smidge of that weight , it becomes you.

[kshandra]

Wow. You look fantastic...and I can absolutely see where this would be fucking with your self-image (and indeed your entire worldview). *hugs*

[anagramofbrat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's been... a trip. I kinda feel like I've been popped out of the Matrix and once I jack back in I'll be comfortably fat again.

[kadharonon.livejournal.com]

Goodwill.

No, seriously. It's still a pain in the ass to find anything that fits, and it's still, well, shopping, but you can find decent clothing at most of them and only end up paying $4 for a pair of pants.

[polymexina.livejournal.com]

WOW, you look really different. I wouldn't recognize you on the street!

Re: clothes: have you thought about Goodwill? I feel like the Goodwill in Springfield near 16 acres library (if my landmarks are even still there... it's been so long since I was in WMASS) had a good selection of business casual.

[ggirl.livejournal.com]

Exactly this. It's been a while since I've seen you, lady. I don't think I'd think it was you if we passed on the streets of NYC. Wow. What a change! I can't imagine my body being so radically different. I'm not sure how I'd cope with it. Of course, many women would kill for your physique, and you know how to rock those black pants and crop-top. You look great, which is the bottom line. It's just a matter of making peace with the new you and loving her as much as you loved the pre-thin you. Are you actively taking steps to re-gain the weight, or do you intend to kind of hold steady where you are?

[anagramofbrat.livejournal.com]

Heh, no worries, I barely recognize myself the times I bother looking in a mirror. I'm not really doing that much to change stuff other than focusing on fixing the initial problem and not really bothering to watch what I eat (there might have been a few Haagen Dazs binges in there somewhere). Right now I'm just thankful my body's letting me actually eat, and I've gotten so out of the habit of normal sized portions that it's an effort. So there's a lot of just listening to myself and indulging cravings if I feel up to/can afford it.

My next step is getting better enough to drag my sorry carcass back to the gym/dance class. Muscle tone, I does not has, and if I'm crazy enough to get married in a strapless dress, I need to do something about these chicken flaps under each arm. Like fill them with muscle. I like having muscle...

[ggirl.livejournal.com]

I can also recommend a great muscle building routine that you can do in your own home. You can get the torrent online - it's the Abs Diet 2 workout - a series of mix and match workouts that you can order in any way you want, but the muscle strengthening one is only 25 minutes and very good if you're just getting back into it. You would need your own set of dumbbells though. Anyway, I would love to be able to binge on HD. I have the opposite issue right now and am battling my way back down to the awesome body I had last summer. I'll get there, but it means depriving myself of my cravings. I know you've suffered a lot with Crohn's and getting down to where you were was a result of a lot of physical pain and discomfort. I hope you're getting back into a pain-free phase and will get back to where you want to be as well.

[polymexina.livejournal.com]

Well, Andee's health is REALLY the bottom line. Since she got to this weight through being ill (AFAIK) I'm happier to hear that she's getting some of the weight back and feels healthy.

[anagramofbrat.livejournal.com]

I'm supposed to make a trip to Goodwill/Army Sal's this weekend, albeit not for interview clothes, lol. I should be a good girl and get those too though.

[innostrantsa.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't recognize you either. Huh. You definitely look different. And since you know that, I'll stop.

It is good to know that you can eat again, though. Food is important!

[masteradept.livejournal.com]

I knew you had lost a lot the last time we skyped, but damn. Are you having issues with the loss mentally, since I know that happens from time to time with people and sudden weight loss.

[anagramofbrat.livejournal.com]

Other than how I'm dysmorphic in the complete opposite direction than usual? :) Mostly its a lack of... solidity. I used to take up space, be hard to move when I didn't want to be. Hell remember years back when I got hit by a car? I liked being the big girl that fucked up a car. Now I kinda feel like a strong wind'll carry me off. It's a more than a little distressing.

Also Drew can pick me up. And he does. And I scream with terror and outrage. I mean, he did it before too, but it took effort then.

Eh, I don't know. Maybe I'll feel better about it when I get back to the gym and put some muscle back on.

[masteradept.livejournal.com]

This is a common thing when big people become not so big. How are you with talking to a professional about this, because it can lead to some other, larger problems.

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Wow. You look good. Stylish, even. Is that what you're wearing on Saturday?

[anagramofbrat.livejournal.com]

nah. Still running with the schoolgirl idea.