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I need to let Carole (and by extension, the rest of the Amoeba) go. And I think I'm finally ready to do that now.
I said this to a few people already, but a general heads up (this is why it's a public post)... I don't want to hear anything further about any of them, good or bad. The good still hurts like fuck and quite honestly will until my own life gets more back on track than it is currently. I've still got a ways to go on that. The bad... Schadenfreude to me is like Burger King - delicious for five minutes and god awful for six hours after that. Plus... I'm just using them to hold myself back. Not healthy in the slightest.
Some tell me I have a right and every reason to stay angry, but the time to get angry about any of it was as it was happening then, not now when it's stupid too late. All it's doing now is getting in my way... and quite honestly I have enough methods of self-sabotage at my disposal to add one more. So to use a gaming term, I'm going to default to my nature and not my demeanor and just fucking forgive them already. All of them. For everything. I'm just so fucking tired of holding on to every wrong, every slight, and I know what I'm like, I'll just carry that shit until it actually does put me in my grave finally. Lord knows it nearly did twice already, don't tell me this shit doesn't happen for a reason. So I'm done. All accounts closed and squared. Clean slate as of now, yippee ai oh kai yay motherfucker.
Of course, letting myself off the hook is a slightly different can of worms, but hopefully if I learn from my past mistakes (and there were plenty; I am not a fun person to be around and certainly not an easy one to put up with when I'm in any kind of pain), I can also manage somehow to forgive myself as well. I know everything going to shit wasn't all my fault (sometimes it's too easy to take the whole thing onto my own head, others times I have to stop myself from absolving myself completely), but I can certainly take responsibility and atone for the parts that were. *wry smile* Builds character after all... I don't know any person that couldn't use more of that.
Anyway. I want to go into the next phase of my life, whatever it turns out to be, with a free heart and a clear mind. Here's hoping this means I'm making some progress in getting there.
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm
I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore
I said this to a few people already, but a general heads up (this is why it's a public post)... I don't want to hear anything further about any of them, good or bad. The good still hurts like fuck and quite honestly will until my own life gets more back on track than it is currently. I've still got a ways to go on that. The bad... Schadenfreude to me is like Burger King - delicious for five minutes and god awful for six hours after that. Plus... I'm just using them to hold myself back. Not healthy in the slightest.
Some tell me I have a right and every reason to stay angry, but the time to get angry about any of it was as it was happening then, not now when it's stupid too late. All it's doing now is getting in my way... and quite honestly I have enough methods of self-sabotage at my disposal to add one more. So to use a gaming term, I'm going to default to my nature and not my demeanor and just fucking forgive them already. All of them. For everything. I'm just so fucking tired of holding on to every wrong, every slight, and I know what I'm like, I'll just carry that shit until it actually does put me in my grave finally. Lord knows it nearly did twice already, don't tell me this shit doesn't happen for a reason. So I'm done. All accounts closed and squared. Clean slate as of now, yippee ai oh kai yay motherfucker.
Of course, letting myself off the hook is a slightly different can of worms, but hopefully if I learn from my past mistakes (and there were plenty; I am not a fun person to be around and certainly not an easy one to put up with when I'm in any kind of pain), I can also manage somehow to forgive myself as well. I know everything going to shit wasn't all my fault (sometimes it's too easy to take the whole thing onto my own head, others times I have to stop myself from absolving myself completely), but I can certainly take responsibility and atone for the parts that were. *wry smile* Builds character after all... I don't know any person that couldn't use more of that.
Anyway. I want to go into the next phase of my life, whatever it turns out to be, with a free heart and a clear mind. Here's hoping this means I'm making some progress in getting there.
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm
I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore
