Tabula Rasa

[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]
Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past! Ha ha!
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. [swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way] Ha! You see? So what are you going to do?
Simba: First, I'm gonna take your stick...

--The Lion King

There's a lesson to be learnt here, and I could wax all poetical and philosophical and stuff about what I think it is, but it's after midnight and there are things I'd rather be doing. Like watching the cat make an ass out of herself chasing virtual rats into digital holes on the iPad.

I will say this much though. I was thinking about a conversation I had recently with a friend and it slowly dawned on me that I became the sort of person that if certain people made the effort to reach out to me and asked for forgiveness for whatever past wrongs they've inflicted, i'd not only reject the request, but actively take pleasure in the rejection. Or not care. Or something equally crushing. And look, I know how hard it is to reach out to someone and say "hey, you know what, I fucked up, and I'm sorry." Hell there are still people I haven't been brave enough to say that to who actually deserve to hear it, and I know how much it would devastate me to hear "oh well that's nice for you, I don't care" or "fuck you." Even if I also recognize that it's entirely the other person's right to feel that way. It would still suck ass, and is probably why I haven't said boo to certain people. (And no, it's never who you think it is.)

Let me share a secret. Contrary to popular belief I don't like hurting people. Oh sure, sometimes it gives a momentary fleeting satisfaction in the heat of the moment, but that fades all too quickly. And knowing how damn difficult it is to apologize, I don't want to be the person who meets that often monumental effort with a "yeah well, no." Or silence. Or not giving a rats ass. Or a cutting put-down. I would like to be a nicer person than that. Most of the time, I am. When I'm not, there's a great deal of personal pain involved, and I certainly don't act my best. Ain't nothing but human after all. But I think I'm at a place where I'm stable, healed and happy enough to not be... I'm not sure what the word is, here. A grudge-holding bitch? Something.

I'm going to try an experiment in 2012, which is that everyone... EVERYONE, I say... gets a clean slate. On my end, I do my best to forgive the people on my Arya inspired litany of death and let go of old hurts and angers, however big or small they are, since all sitting on them does is poison me, my brain and my mental health. I seriously doubt I'll hear anything from the aforementioned people, but if I do, I will listen to what they have to say with open ears, mind and heart. And the same goes for me. There is still much I haven't forgiven myself for over the years.'

SO yeah, carte blanche. We'll see if anything comes of it.

Мои твиты

• Пт, 10:43: size of box: 11"x8"x4.5". size of item shipped: 3"x1.75"x0.25". Come on, I KNOW they make smaller boxes than that, people! #fail
• Пт, 10:59: Well, I wouldn't say he's achieved ludicrous speed or anything (maybe for a netbook), but Squee is indeed much happier with double the RAM.
• Пт, 11:00: Barring major disaster and with a new iPod Touch pending, hopefully that'll about do me in the computer upgrades for another couple years.
• Пт, 12:30: Wonder where I can find a gallon thermos on short notice... #newyearsscheming
• Пт, 12:42: BB&B, you say? Gift card, you say? TO SHREDS, you say!??
• Пт, 15:57: Ugh. I just lost two and a half hours on the David's Bridal web site, someone either shoot me or fill me with booze.
• Пт, 21:40: Dear gods, epic foolishness all the time now that the boys have moved into 12...
• Пт, 22:57: Still astounded by how I can say "The cat is playing with my iPad" and be neither exaggerating nor outright lying. #thefutureisawesome

New Years Eve Consumables and thoughts

1) The last loaf of pumpkin bread for the season. Except this time I'm adding rum raisins to it. The raisins are currently soaking up the rum in the kitchen and will for the next 45 min or so.

2) I have achieved a rather large bottle of Licor 43, a surprising feat as I remember running around last New Years Eve looking for this stuff and failing to find it anywhere in the valley. I have also procured orange juice. There will be lovely creamsicle tasting things tonight.

3) It's cold outside, and rumors of snow abound for tonight. How about something hot? Making a big batch of "winter tonic": usually a tablespoon or so of black currant cordial, another tablespoon of lemon drop schnapps, a tablespoon of lemon juice, a teaspoon of honey, and two teaspoons of sugar in a large mug, top it up with boiling water and stir. Yeah. Making a gallon jug of that. Still toying with the idea of going to buy a thermos to hold it in to keep it hot - figure I've got a bit until Bed Bath and Beyond closes to make up my mind.

80 proof drinks and dessert aside, wow. I'm remembering what my mindset and overall state of life was like on New Years Eve last year and I'm kinda floored by how much better I am this year. Here's hoping the uptick continues straight on through to next. Again, I don't have resolutions so much as a few modest goals to work towards in the coming year... and at some point I gotta find time to go to PAX, code and deploy a game, hold down my jobs, go to more movies, and, um, get married. 2012 is going to be rawther busy year, but I believe it will also be a good one. I've got a feeling about it, and for once it's not utter dread.

But first, the celebrating of getting through this one, ya? Starting with boozy raisins...

Whoop!

2011 Reading Challenge

Andee has completed her goal of reading 50 books in 2011!

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