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In case the last few posts haven't made it obvious, I've been thinking about the whole needs vs wants thing again... and it's dredging up a fair amount of upsetting but important realizations about my own decision making process. I have some pretty good ideas about how all this may have started, and specific ways I have chosen to let this particular disconnect in my head fuck me over, but it's all BS and steam at this point, and more importantly it's in a past I can't fix. I can fix the present and the future.
Some things to think about:
Just because you can do without something you need doesn't mean you don't need it. I posted this yesterday and I am posting it again today because this idea needs to be grokked and cherished and made my squishy. I think I took an idea meant to be applied to material crap and impulse purchases and applied it wholesale to everything, with all kinds of charming emotionally damaged results. The other thing that this sort of attitude doesn't address is that this sort of thing builds up, and constantly denying myself something important nearly always rises up to bite me in the ass later. And I'm coming to realize just how much I do deny myself shit... and for no real good reason.
Avoiding a label is not a good reason to deny myself something I need. You would not believe how much BS I go through and have gone through just to avoid being labeled either "crazy" or "high maintenance" or "weak." The problem with that is that squeaky wheels get all the grease, and I'm more the type that will grimly push on without any sort of lubricant until I start warping ball bearings and by that time you're looking at wheel replacement, not wheel maintenance. Because the way it seems to work is that if I don't squeak, nothing ever happens cause other people tend to be at least self absorbed enough that if you aren't squeaking, they assume everything is fine and leave you alone. Which isn't what I want or need and nine times out of ten it gives me something else to stew about.
It's a more constructive use of my own energy to work on getting said needs addressed and met rather than resenting those with the wherewithall to do so. Because taking the moral high road may make me feel self-righteous, but it's still not getting my shit covered.
Related to the above, remember, the "nice" people finish last. Take some example from people in the present and the past and learn to be ruthless about this when you need to be. 19 times out of 20 other people aren't going to bother taking my needs into consideration when doing what is best for them, up to and including deceit, lying, cheating, stealing and throwing tantrums. I'm not saying I want to become a total amoral asshole or anything, but waiting for others to do right by me has worked so damn well in the past, you know? Other people can and will take care of themselves, so I need to spend a little less time considering them and a little more time considering me and mine. And not waste time feeling horrible about occasionally doing something underhanded to get that accomplished.
No one does this alone. So I really need to stop trying to be such a rock and an iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisland, and I shouldn't be so goddamn disgusted with/ashamed of myself when I admit I need something. I am so paranoid of being a needy inconvenience that it's easier to hide than open up. All I do is just cut off any avenue of support I have when the going gets tough and for what? No one gets where they are by them damn selves. Every successful person has either willing accomplices or clueless suckers to support them somehow. You'd think I would have gotten that idea through my head years ago when I found out one of our class summa cum laudes had various people doing her classwork for her. I don't know how I got so allergic to support, but I need to fucking stop that. And I need to fucking stop supporting everyone and their mama without getting anything back, cause honestly that already almost killed me twice. I keep going like this, I'm going to end up back in the hospital and not leave.
TLDR version: I'm very good at brave fronts, but honestly this particular fairy is about out of dust across the board. Clapping and cheerleading of any and all descriptions is sorely appreciated right now.
Some things to think about:
Just because you can do without something you need doesn't mean you don't need it. I posted this yesterday and I am posting it again today because this idea needs to be grokked and cherished and made my squishy. I think I took an idea meant to be applied to material crap and impulse purchases and applied it wholesale to everything, with all kinds of charming emotionally damaged results. The other thing that this sort of attitude doesn't address is that this sort of thing builds up, and constantly denying myself something important nearly always rises up to bite me in the ass later. And I'm coming to realize just how much I do deny myself shit... and for no real good reason.
Avoiding a label is not a good reason to deny myself something I need. You would not believe how much BS I go through and have gone through just to avoid being labeled either "crazy" or "high maintenance" or "weak." The problem with that is that squeaky wheels get all the grease, and I'm more the type that will grimly push on without any sort of lubricant until I start warping ball bearings and by that time you're looking at wheel replacement, not wheel maintenance. Because the way it seems to work is that if I don't squeak, nothing ever happens cause other people tend to be at least self absorbed enough that if you aren't squeaking, they assume everything is fine and leave you alone. Which isn't what I want or need and nine times out of ten it gives me something else to stew about.
It's a more constructive use of my own energy to work on getting said needs addressed and met rather than resenting those with the wherewithall to do so. Because taking the moral high road may make me feel self-righteous, but it's still not getting my shit covered.
Related to the above, remember, the "nice" people finish last. Take some example from people in the present and the past and learn to be ruthless about this when you need to be. 19 times out of 20 other people aren't going to bother taking my needs into consideration when doing what is best for them, up to and including deceit, lying, cheating, stealing and throwing tantrums. I'm not saying I want to become a total amoral asshole or anything, but waiting for others to do right by me has worked so damn well in the past, you know? Other people can and will take care of themselves, so I need to spend a little less time considering them and a little more time considering me and mine. And not waste time feeling horrible about occasionally doing something underhanded to get that accomplished.
No one does this alone. So I really need to stop trying to be such a rock and an iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisland, and I shouldn't be so goddamn disgusted with/ashamed of myself when I admit I need something. I am so paranoid of being a needy inconvenience that it's easier to hide than open up. All I do is just cut off any avenue of support I have when the going gets tough and for what? No one gets where they are by them damn selves. Every successful person has either willing accomplices or clueless suckers to support them somehow. You'd think I would have gotten that idea through my head years ago when I found out one of our class summa cum laudes had various people doing her classwork for her. I don't know how I got so allergic to support, but I need to fucking stop that. And I need to fucking stop supporting everyone and their mama without getting anything back, cause honestly that already almost killed me twice. I keep going like this, I'm going to end up back in the hospital and not leave.
TLDR version: I'm very good at brave fronts, but honestly this particular fairy is about out of dust across the board. Clapping and cheerleading of any and all descriptions is sorely appreciated right now.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 01:34 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 01:43 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 01:48 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 01:57 pm (UTC)From:THIS!!!
One of the things I realized recently is that while people can be selfish, they're not always being malicious. For example: I lead a group that meets the 3rd Friday of every month. Another group I'm in (that has cross-pollination with the group I lead) decided to have a party on the 3rd Friday of this month. At first I was angry and totally convinced that one of the leaders of the group purposely planned it this way to "take attendance away from my meeting" cause she doesn't like me. I mean she knew when the meetings were. She's been to a few. Then I realized that she may have just forgotten when they were. So I emailed the leaders of the other group and they both apologized and said that they weren't aware of the schedule of my group, that the presenters had picked that date, and that they'd be more conscious of it in the future.
I know that it's different when it's a relationship/friend vs. community groups, but it was still a good lesson for me and one that I felt I should share.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 02:09 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 02:12 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 02:13 pm (UTC)From:no subject
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Date: 2010-05-26 02:20 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 02:34 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 03:03 pm (UTC)From:"Live Together or Die Alone"
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Date: 2010-05-26 03:25 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 03:26 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 03:46 pm (UTC)From:no subject
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Date: 2010-05-26 08:33 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 08:34 pm (UTC)From:Re: icon
Date: 2010-05-27 01:22 am (UTC)From:Re: icon
Date: 2010-05-27 01:27 am (UTC)From:Re: icon
Date: 2010-05-27 02:51 am (UTC)From:Re: icon
Date: 2010-05-27 02:53 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 03:21 pm (UTC)From:Now that you've figured out some Big Truths, be sure and don't let them slip away. Big changes usually happen in layers and waves and all that, but put these up somewhere where you can see them. And take time to look at them frequently. When something makes you sad or pissed off, give these another read and see if one of them applies to said situation.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 03:27 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-05-26 03:55 pm (UTC)From: