Considering my Flist today, this seems apropos

[anagramofbrat]

Several people today have been posting intensely thinky things today. It's all heavy thoughtful stuff pertaining to sexism and racism, and reminded me of part of a post I made in March in kjpepper that I think warrants reposting on its own, without an f-lock.

The context - that "ask me five things" meme was going around at the time again, and as one of his five questions, grinninfoole asked "How much does racism and/or sexism impinge on your day to day life?"

Hmm, how to answer that....

There are a million little things I'm constantly aware of as a black person. For one thing this is MA - venture away from anywhere remotely urban or associated with the colleges, and I feel out of place, and in a couple of instances, that's actually kind of scared me. Even around Northampton occasionally I'll look up at my surroundings and suddenly be very aware that I'm the only black person in the room. I tend to walk rather quickly past ostentatiously "nice" cars because I worry that people might think I'm casing them. Cops make me uneasy. Even though I make the obligatory "oh noes, I'm shopping while black" joke when it happens, something that always makes me tense up faster than anything is going through inventory gates at the entrances to department stores and having them go off. I've found myself worrying if my hair is going to keep me from getting a new job (dreads often fall way outside of corporate dress codes). It's noticing all too often that while there aren't all that many people of color in science fiction, the amount found in fantasy makes it look richly diverse. One of the things that used to enrage me about J is his posture and his explanation of why it was so awful - he's a big black guy, and he's spent his entire life making himself seem smaller so that he doesn't scare people.

In the sexism camp... ugh. Where do I start? the fact that it's 2009 and you can still clearly see the gender demarcations in the toy aisles? how women's dress pants don't have usable pockets, among other annoyances? That there's a world of difference between a "big and tall" man and a "fat" woman? That playing dumb and helpless and boobtastic actually does work? That several of the more common ways to insult a guy involves a vulgar term for my girlbits? That identifying as a feminist generally invokes some seriously asinine reactions in some guys which subsequently makes me want to stab everything? That way too often rape/assault/sexual harrassment/domestic violence cases put the victim on trial and try to make it look like she must have asked for how she was treated? The multitudinous reasons why it's not a good idea to wander by myself at night (even though I do anyway)? The fact that my confidence and pride in my sexuality is only acceptable up to a point and once that point is reached it can very easily be turned against me? ('Cause every girl wants to hear herself being referred to as a slut or a whore. Really! It's fun!) It even crawled in and soured my kink every so often when I was still collared to bluewindkitsune... you'd be surprised how sometimes being a submissive female to a Dominant male prods open some really woogy mind space in that context.

You put gender and race together and you get a whole new can of worms that I'm too tired to bitch about. And all of this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think I would describe the constant dull roar something like this. Right now, I'm in a dead asleep house, with my computer on. My computer puts out a fair amount of ambient noise, which while I can occasionally tune it out, I can't not hear it while it's running. Occasionally it will do something to bring my attention to it - the hard drive will make a whole shitton of "loading shit" noises, or if I'm using something graphics intensive, the video card fan will kick in (which makes a pretty distinct amount of noise). racism/sexism and whatever other isms fall into my radar are kind of like that - it's something I'm always aware of on some level. There are moments where the amount of ambient noise can be tuned out, and there are moments where the case fans'll be so loud I can't ignore it. Unlike my computer though, I can't shut any of this off to have a few minutes of silence.

In other news, goddamn I hate it when I'm waiting on something and don't get called back. I'm sure there's an excellent reason, but considering what I need to have done today, if only for my own peace of mind, it's really freaking nervewracking...

Comments

[austingoddess.livejournal.com]

Well spoken.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

second.

[veestah.livejournal.com]

I can't identify with being black - I'm so white it burns the eyes. But I've felt angry time and again about preconceived gender-roles. As a kid, enforced by my mother: Don't play with your brother's GI Joes, you have barbies.

Clothing: Everything MUST be form-fitting (god forbid you be a little flat chested or bony or chubby).

Also a bit irksome, though not so much of an issue these days or in this new environment... But back in Vermont, if you aren't rich or look down on your luck, store employees will stalk you, waiting for you to lift something.

I still feel like I stick out when I go to a nice restaurant or a more upscale clothing store. My money, when I have it, is just as good as anyone else's - but still I feel like I shouldn't be there.

But you keep on keepin' on, girl :D
You're probably the strongest person I know.