Brain activity

[anagramofbrat]

Among the things I've taken from this past week is just realizing how much I don't do creatively when I'm depressed/stressed out of my mind. Sure, I continue to spew in here, but I honestly can't think of the last time I got anything down in a story form, and it's not for lack of characters/ideas. I also have a mostly finished but not quite bead project and several more on the hook that I haven't started. "I don't have time," I whine to myself. Bullshit. All the time that gets eaten by staring through the pixels? [GOB]Come on.[/GOB] But yeah one thing Stanley kind of burned my ears about is needing more structure, and actually taking my creative outlets when I have the opportunity. It doesn't have to be good, just has to be done, otherwise I'm going to go insane. Aaaaaaaaand he's right. Honestly with all the reading I've been doing lately I'm starting to get the little voice that's all "YOU SHOULD BE WRITING THIS SHIT, NOT READING IT," and there's a gaggle of kids running around my head that need some sort of playground.

Other creative shit I'm not doing. Non-work related webshit. I mean, I'm burned out on web sites in general, but I'm actually kind of sad about the stuff I used to do on the side. Thankfully I do have the opportunity to work on one of those side projects again, but I've been neglecting my own shit to the point of shameful, and I have some really good ideas towards what I want to do with that as well.

The other suggestion Stanley had was to stop letting my demons hamsterwheel around in my head and write about them. Or something. That's gonna prove challenging because there are a few steps involved - one, finding where I've buried them, two, letting them out, three, writing about them is tantamount to admitting they are there and that they do have a certain sway over my decision-making/thinking. Yeah, about that. I don't think I'm ready for any of that, but it's also one of those things where I know I'll never actually feel ready so I just need to pick a time and a place and deal with it. We'll see how that goes.


I went briefly over to aersi's last night, and watched one of the early episodes of L.A. Ink with her. (It was actually, interestingly enough one of the three I'd seen before). I don't have much of an opinion of Kat Von D, but I was rather jealously admiring all the fresh ink on display in the episode and waxing nostalgic on that particular buzz/crackle of a tattoo gun, and thinking about when I want to have #2 done. It's been two years since I got "evil", but I still don't feel like I've come full circle enough to get the next one; like I said to aersi, "this too hasn't passed yet." And it hasn't - my brain, most of my life and goodness knows my money are still in a right shambles since shit hit the fan (and on the days when I'm being totally honest with myself, things were fucked up long before that too), really the only thing I've gotten right is, well, cell23 and by extension the kids, which is a pretty big thing in the grand scheme of things, I'm not knocking that. But the rest I'm just stalling out on and I'm just so incredibly frustrated with myself. People keep saying I'm going to get past it all and I just want to retort "really? when?" And I often wonder again, if I'll ever feel ready to get my other shoulder done. I do feel like I need something positive to balance out the sinister shoulder (yes, pun intended). I guess how I can think about it is that "this too shall pass" is a message that will always have meaning - good times fade as readily as the bad after all, right?

Well. I got the first one done on March 21st... we'll see where I am in a couple months, I guess.


Productive time now. Hell, productive time for the next 38 hours if I wanna, seeing as I won't have a cell23 to distract me until late tomorrow night, and I do have a lot to do. CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF ITUNES.

Comments

[rhipowered.livejournal.com]

I do fuckall creatively when depressed, so I hear you. It's harder to kick yourself out of it than it sounds.

[emilytheslayer.livejournal.com]

I wish so hard that I could listen to music at work. Obviously that's not going to work anytime soon, but MAN. I could probably even manage to put together a kid-safe playlist, but whatever.

[plexq.livejournal.com]

I used to listen to music at work, then we went to Agile, and no more. Now it's all the people all the time, coding battery hen style.

[emilytheslayer.livejournal.com]

I'm a public librarian. :) No music out here on the desk.

[plexq.livejournal.com]

Heh, I was trying to imagine what kind of job might prevent music of any kind!

[queencallipygos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm currently trying to drag myself out of a two-year-long creative rut; but after a depressing few days trying to figure out "why am I not writing as much as i used to what is wrong with me help", it suddenly hit me that during those same two years, I was also dealing with the following:

* A major and totally unexpected breakup
* THREE new-roommate hunts
* job loss
* about a years' worth of unemployment
* the death of a cat I'd had for 17 years
* 10 straight months of insomnia
* the theft of my computer

....And I looked at all that, and thought, "...Oh."

Am still working on getting out of the rut, but am also working on sending out way more job applications and getting more sleep at the same time.