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Shit, it's memorial day weekend, get in the car.
Odd how this shit just kinda creeps up on you. This time last year I was heading down to DC for my cousin's fantastic wedding with plans to head up here to visit the job and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cell23 immediately afterward. This year I've got no plans except kiddoes and since I seem to be on a WORK jag continuing with that, though I'm going to have to find something to watch to distract my brain while I do, seeing as I finished up S1 of Mad Men and S2 isn't finished torrenting yet. While I still can't decide one season in if I actually like the show, it makes good background noise while I work and I do like playing "spot the historical detail/fuckup" while its on, so I'll probably keep watching.
I'm also in a weirdly antsy let's get on with this sort of mode regarding life the universe and everything, which is both interesting and frustrating seeing as the dead broke bit is a major holdup in that kind of planning. Lets just say that my winter shit is packed up already and I've kinda started the pre-move process of going through Other Shit and and figuring out what to keep or get rid of. Mostly this has resulted in a lot of seethe and grumble over shit I have but don't want and other shit I thought I had but is now missing/lost in Amoeba purgatory that needs replacing at some point. Also trying to put down some kind of plan so that my finances are not as bolluxed up as they are/have been for the past two years, and attempting to stay positive about the lessons learned this past year regarding me and how to suck at money and learning not to do so quite so hard. But also... I guess trying to cut myself a little bit of a break as well. A lot of what got me in trouble financially was neglecting my own mental health, and when I'm structurally unsound in the brainmeats, the depression and anxiety freeze me up, and this has never been more true than in the past year. Though I'm also coming to realize that it's been true for a long time before that, like I'd been in a slow downward spiral since 2003ish, and various things between then and last year just accelerated it until a brick wall was met... and what I'd been doing for the past year or so is recovering from that impact, though most of said recovery was spent escaping from it in various and sundry ways.
Yeah yeah, I'm sure it's obvious to everyone reading this, but I've been going on for so long trying to maintain the soft cuddly steel stiff upper lip everything's FINE really front for so long that I really am only just now seeing this and cutting myself the appropriate slack. Which is nice really. Maybe I can finally get some damn perspective and work on Phase Whatever now instead of being lost in the maelstrom. Course that involves figuring out what exactly phase whatever is. I already know I don't want to be Andee Browne, Professional Webmonkey my entire life. Thing is, the only other thing I've ever wanted to be when I grew up was a scifi/fantasy writer, and the gods only know I don't have anywhere near the concentration/focus/dedication to go back to that yet. I think I've said this before though - it's not like it's something with a hard deadline, like wanting to be a contortionist or a prima ballerina, it's something I can do when I am in a better place with my health and mental state, but still, I'm getting the blips as I slog through the George R. R. Martins (somehow A Clash of Kings is not as attention grabbing as its predecessor) of Y HELO THAR WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING THIS SHIT INSTEAD OF READING IT? Hell, I can't even use the excuse of not really thinking my writing's any good, because look at Stephanie fucking Meyer - clearly there's a market for crap out there, lol. But yeah I don't know. Maybe it's just something else to work toward. I'm sure as more and more things get unravelled and put away in my head and in my life, other shit will start falling into place. But I'm annoyed and frustrated by transitional phases, especially in light of the fact that I seem to have been mired in one for the better part of a decade. And it sucks because even though there are some hints of a new foundation under me, the events of the past few years has definitely undermined my ability to trust in what's been built... which is doing me no favors, lol.
So yeah... I guess where I'm at is clearheaded enough to make a stab at consciously rather than unconsciously working on some kind of personal future, but as per usual, completely daunted by the amount of time, focus and work it's going to require. Bah. But at least it's me steering this damn ship for once... be interesting to see where I end up once I figure out where I'm going.
Odd how this shit just kinda creeps up on you. This time last year I was heading down to DC for my cousin's fantastic wedding with plans to head up here to visit the job and
cell23 immediately afterward. This year I've got no plans except kiddoes and since I seem to be on a WORK jag continuing with that, though I'm going to have to find something to watch to distract my brain while I do, seeing as I finished up S1 of Mad Men and S2 isn't finished torrenting yet. While I still can't decide one season in if I actually like the show, it makes good background noise while I work and I do like playing "spot the historical detail/fuckup" while its on, so I'll probably keep watching.I'm also in a weirdly antsy let's get on with this sort of mode regarding life the universe and everything, which is both interesting and frustrating seeing as the dead broke bit is a major holdup in that kind of planning. Lets just say that my winter shit is packed up already and I've kinda started the pre-move process of going through Other Shit and and figuring out what to keep or get rid of. Mostly this has resulted in a lot of seethe and grumble over shit I have but don't want and other shit I thought I had but is now missing/lost in Amoeba purgatory that needs replacing at some point. Also trying to put down some kind of plan so that my finances are not as bolluxed up as they are/have been for the past two years, and attempting to stay positive about the lessons learned this past year regarding me and how to suck at money and learning not to do so quite so hard. But also... I guess trying to cut myself a little bit of a break as well. A lot of what got me in trouble financially was neglecting my own mental health, and when I'm structurally unsound in the brainmeats, the depression and anxiety freeze me up, and this has never been more true than in the past year. Though I'm also coming to realize that it's been true for a long time before that, like I'd been in a slow downward spiral since 2003ish, and various things between then and last year just accelerated it until a brick wall was met... and what I'd been doing for the past year or so is recovering from that impact, though most of said recovery was spent escaping from it in various and sundry ways.
Yeah yeah, I'm sure it's obvious to everyone reading this, but I've been going on for so long trying to maintain the soft cuddly steel stiff upper lip everything's FINE really front for so long that I really am only just now seeing this and cutting myself the appropriate slack. Which is nice really. Maybe I can finally get some damn perspective and work on Phase Whatever now instead of being lost in the maelstrom. Course that involves figuring out what exactly phase whatever is. I already know I don't want to be Andee Browne, Professional Webmonkey my entire life. Thing is, the only other thing I've ever wanted to be when I grew up was a scifi/fantasy writer, and the gods only know I don't have anywhere near the concentration/focus/dedication to go back to that yet. I think I've said this before though - it's not like it's something with a hard deadline, like wanting to be a contortionist or a prima ballerina, it's something I can do when I am in a better place with my health and mental state, but still, I'm getting the blips as I slog through the George R. R. Martins (somehow A Clash of Kings is not as attention grabbing as its predecessor) of Y HELO THAR WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING THIS SHIT INSTEAD OF READING IT? Hell, I can't even use the excuse of not really thinking my writing's any good, because look at Stephanie fucking Meyer - clearly there's a market for crap out there, lol. But yeah I don't know. Maybe it's just something else to work toward. I'm sure as more and more things get unravelled and put away in my head and in my life, other shit will start falling into place. But I'm annoyed and frustrated by transitional phases, especially in light of the fact that I seem to have been mired in one for the better part of a decade. And it sucks because even though there are some hints of a new foundation under me, the events of the past few years has definitely undermined my ability to trust in what's been built... which is doing me no favors, lol.
So yeah... I guess where I'm at is clearheaded enough to make a stab at consciously rather than unconsciously working on some kind of personal future, but as per usual, completely daunted by the amount of time, focus and work it's going to require. Bah. But at least it's me steering this damn ship for once... be interesting to see where I end up once I figure out where I'm going.
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-29 05:45 pm (UTC)From:Finances are so much more emotional than rational, even though it's all just numbers.
Regarding reaching giant goals, this is so ooooh deep, but it's all one step at a time, it's a just a matter of choosing a step in the direction you want to go.
I totally relate to the frustration of seeing shitty writers get so popular when you know you could do so much better.