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Sep. 24th, 2009
ALL MY LIBRAS IN DA HOUSE SAY WHUT WHUT
we now return you to your regularly scheduled eljay drama.
ALL MY LIBRAS IN DA HOUSE SAY WHUT WHUT
we now return you to your regularly scheduled eljay drama.
Dead men tell no tales
Sep. 24th, 2009 06:33 pmThe anxiety train chugs onwards.
Sorta lost my shit this afternoon after tearing up the house looking for my iPod and phone for like half an hour before realizing that I had managed to leave both at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cell23's this morning. (at least I hope I did.) Tried to work on the sorta craft project I started as a brain calming exercise this week but even that and SVU wasn't helping, and I finally just grabbed my keys and took off.
I needed to be alone for a while I think, and I needed out of the house. *sigh* need to get back on the ball regarding Hanzo-san, because being at home all day with the roomie blipping at me every 20 minutes is going to drive me fuckbazoink real quick. I ended up walking down to Riverside Cemetery, which is a good mile and a half down Old Amherst Road. It's pretty and peaceful down there, as I sort of suspected it would be... unfortunately it's also a reasonably popular dog walk, so when I started going down the road towards the cemetery proper I had two large labs immediately charge me barking... not cool at all. I'm still not a dog person, apparently. Once the dogs sniffed me and decided I wasn't interesting it was okay, but... I haven't been that terrified since having to deal with that horrible dog that used to live next door to the Farmhouse. There was a reason why I wouldn't come in the back door ever.
Between that and the pent up emotional baggage I brought in with me I pretty much sat on a log overlooking the river and just bawled my eyes out for about forty five minutes. I now have a raging headache from that, but the brain is calmer and a little clearer at least, so I guess it's what I needed to do. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm freaking out - I'm always one to bottle up the worst of the rage/anxiety/depression until things like my guts exploding happen... well, big surprise, I've made no progress there. Le Sigh. Gotta find some way of dealing with that effectively so I don't... lose entire weeks like I have. Fucking brain.
Anyway, barring the dog terror, it was a good walk. Need to go back with the camera once the leaves turn. Kinda excited to see it starting already here and there - its gonna be PRETTEH here when all the leaves turn for real.
Speaking of exploding guts.... It's been a year. Considering the intestinal drama started on the Friday night during the first Presidential debate... yeah. It's gonna be tough not being haunted by emergency surgery/hospital flashbacks for the next little while, not to mention malingering other headnoise triggered by that. I keep trying to stuff down all the bad shit I'm still processing through and get over it, but sometimes... I don't know. I realize, academically, that I can't rush this, that I need to give things adequate time to heal, especially given my proclivity towards sitting and picking at scabs until they bleed (literally and figuratively). But god damn I'm tired of being haunted, some days bad enough to keep me from getting anything else done besides glorified wallowing. Sometimes I just want to find the switch that just turns all of this shit off and makes me not care about any of it once and for all... and it galls me to no end knowing that said switch don't exist. *sigh* I guess if I had to pick a week for goodwill towards my body, mind, and heart, not to mention other people, the next couple ain't gonna be good candidates.
anyway. Gonna go swallow like a liter and a half of water and go make some lists.
Sorta lost my shit this afternoon after tearing up the house looking for my iPod and phone for like half an hour before realizing that I had managed to leave both at
cell23's this morning. (at least I hope I did.) Tried to work on the sorta craft project I started as a brain calming exercise this week but even that and SVU wasn't helping, and I finally just grabbed my keys and took off.I needed to be alone for a while I think, and I needed out of the house. *sigh* need to get back on the ball regarding Hanzo-san, because being at home all day with the roomie blipping at me every 20 minutes is going to drive me fuckbazoink real quick. I ended up walking down to Riverside Cemetery, which is a good mile and a half down Old Amherst Road. It's pretty and peaceful down there, as I sort of suspected it would be... unfortunately it's also a reasonably popular dog walk, so when I started going down the road towards the cemetery proper I had two large labs immediately charge me barking... not cool at all. I'm still not a dog person, apparently. Once the dogs sniffed me and decided I wasn't interesting it was okay, but... I haven't been that terrified since having to deal with that horrible dog that used to live next door to the Farmhouse. There was a reason why I wouldn't come in the back door ever.
Between that and the pent up emotional baggage I brought in with me I pretty much sat on a log overlooking the river and just bawled my eyes out for about forty five minutes. I now have a raging headache from that, but the brain is calmer and a little clearer at least, so I guess it's what I needed to do. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm freaking out - I'm always one to bottle up the worst of the rage/anxiety/depression until things like my guts exploding happen... well, big surprise, I've made no progress there. Le Sigh. Gotta find some way of dealing with that effectively so I don't... lose entire weeks like I have. Fucking brain.
Anyway, barring the dog terror, it was a good walk. Need to go back with the camera once the leaves turn. Kinda excited to see it starting already here and there - its gonna be PRETTEH here when all the leaves turn for real.
Speaking of exploding guts.... It's been a year. Considering the intestinal drama started on the Friday night during the first Presidential debate... yeah. It's gonna be tough not being haunted by emergency surgery/hospital flashbacks for the next little while, not to mention malingering other headnoise triggered by that. I keep trying to stuff down all the bad shit I'm still processing through and get over it, but sometimes... I don't know. I realize, academically, that I can't rush this, that I need to give things adequate time to heal, especially given my proclivity towards sitting and picking at scabs until they bleed (literally and figuratively). But god damn I'm tired of being haunted, some days bad enough to keep me from getting anything else done besides glorified wallowing. Sometimes I just want to find the switch that just turns all of this shit off and makes me not care about any of it once and for all... and it galls me to no end knowing that said switch don't exist. *sigh* I guess if I had to pick a week for goodwill towards my body, mind, and heart, not to mention other people, the next couple ain't gonna be good candidates.
anyway. Gonna go swallow like a liter and a half of water and go make some lists.
Dead men tell no tales
Sep. 24th, 2009 06:33 pmThe anxiety train chugs onwards.
Sorta lost my shit this afternoon after tearing up the house looking for my iPod and phone for like half an hour before realizing that I had managed to leave both atcell23's this morning. (at least I hope I did.) Tried to work on the sorta craft project I started as a brain calming exercise this week but even that and SVU wasn't helping, and I finally just grabbed my keys and took off.
I needed to be alone for a while I think, and I needed out of the house. *sigh* need to get back on the ball regarding Hanzo-san, because being at home all day with the roomie blipping at me every 20 minutes is going to drive me fuckbazoink real quick. I ended up walking down to Riverside Cemetery, which is a good mile and a half down Old Amherst Road. It's pretty and peaceful down there, as I sort of suspected it would be... unfortunately it's also a reasonably popular dog walk, so when I started going down the road towards the cemetery proper I had two large labs immediately charge me barking... not cool at all. I'm still not a dog person, apparently. Once the dogs sniffed me and decided I wasn't interesting it was okay, but... I haven't been that terrified since having to deal with that horrible dog that used to live next door to the Farmhouse. There was a reason why I wouldn't come in the back door ever.
Between that and the pent up emotional baggage I brought in with me I pretty much sat on a log overlooking the river and just bawled my eyes out for about forty five minutes. I now have a raging headache from that, but the brain is calmer and a little clearer at least, so I guess it's what I needed to do. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm freaking out - I'm always one to bottle up the worst of the rage/anxiety/depression until things like my guts exploding happen... well, big surprise, I've made no progress there. Le Sigh. Gotta find some way of dealing with that effectively so I don't... lose entire weeks like I have. Fucking brain.
Anyway, barring the dog terror, it was a good walk. Need to go back with the camera once the leaves turn. Kinda excited to see it starting already here and there - its gonna be PRETTEH here when all the leaves turn for real.
Speaking of exploding guts.... It's been a year. Considering the intestinal drama started on the Friday night during the first Presidential debate... yeah. It's gonna be tough not being haunted by emergency surgery/hospital flashbacks for the next little while, not to mention malingering other headnoise triggered by that. I keep trying to stuff down all the bad shit I'm still processing through and get over it, but sometimes... I don't know. I realize, academically, that I can't rush this, that I need to give things adequate time to heal, especially given my proclivity towards sitting and picking at scabs until they bleed (literally and figuratively). But god damn I'm tired of being haunted, some days bad enough to keep me from getting anything else done besides glorified wallowing. Sometimes I just want to find the switch that just turns all of this shit off and makes me not care about any of it once and for all... and it galls me to no end knowing that said switch don't exist. *sigh* I guess if I had to pick a week for goodwill towards my body, mind, and heart, not to mention other people, the next couple ain't gonna be good candidates.
anyway. Gonna go swallow like a liter and a half of water and go make some lists.
Sorta lost my shit this afternoon after tearing up the house looking for my iPod and phone for like half an hour before realizing that I had managed to leave both at
cell23's this morning. (at least I hope I did.) Tried to work on the sorta craft project I started as a brain calming exercise this week but even that and SVU wasn't helping, and I finally just grabbed my keys and took off.I needed to be alone for a while I think, and I needed out of the house. *sigh* need to get back on the ball regarding Hanzo-san, because being at home all day with the roomie blipping at me every 20 minutes is going to drive me fuckbazoink real quick. I ended up walking down to Riverside Cemetery, which is a good mile and a half down Old Amherst Road. It's pretty and peaceful down there, as I sort of suspected it would be... unfortunately it's also a reasonably popular dog walk, so when I started going down the road towards the cemetery proper I had two large labs immediately charge me barking... not cool at all. I'm still not a dog person, apparently. Once the dogs sniffed me and decided I wasn't interesting it was okay, but... I haven't been that terrified since having to deal with that horrible dog that used to live next door to the Farmhouse. There was a reason why I wouldn't come in the back door ever.
Between that and the pent up emotional baggage I brought in with me I pretty much sat on a log overlooking the river and just bawled my eyes out for about forty five minutes. I now have a raging headache from that, but the brain is calmer and a little clearer at least, so I guess it's what I needed to do. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm freaking out - I'm always one to bottle up the worst of the rage/anxiety/depression until things like my guts exploding happen... well, big surprise, I've made no progress there. Le Sigh. Gotta find some way of dealing with that effectively so I don't... lose entire weeks like I have. Fucking brain.
Anyway, barring the dog terror, it was a good walk. Need to go back with the camera once the leaves turn. Kinda excited to see it starting already here and there - its gonna be PRETTEH here when all the leaves turn for real.
Speaking of exploding guts.... It's been a year. Considering the intestinal drama started on the Friday night during the first Presidential debate... yeah. It's gonna be tough not being haunted by emergency surgery/hospital flashbacks for the next little while, not to mention malingering other headnoise triggered by that. I keep trying to stuff down all the bad shit I'm still processing through and get over it, but sometimes... I don't know. I realize, academically, that I can't rush this, that I need to give things adequate time to heal, especially given my proclivity towards sitting and picking at scabs until they bleed (literally and figuratively). But god damn I'm tired of being haunted, some days bad enough to keep me from getting anything else done besides glorified wallowing. Sometimes I just want to find the switch that just turns all of this shit off and makes me not care about any of it once and for all... and it galls me to no end knowing that said switch don't exist. *sigh* I guess if I had to pick a week for goodwill towards my body, mind, and heart, not to mention other people, the next couple ain't gonna be good candidates.
anyway. Gonna go swallow like a liter and a half of water and go make some lists.