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ALSO HOLY CRAP.
Apr. 3rd, 2012 03:09 pmRoll Call: Texas folk. I realize a lot of y'all are about as far away from Dallas-Fort Worth as I am (it's a big state) but please check in anyway and lemme know you and yours are safe.
IT IS VANQUISHED
Sep. 8th, 2010 08:53 pmEver since the move there's been a hair across my ass poking out of my jaw.
Not a huge deal, right? these things happen. EXCEPT IT FUCKING DRIVES ME CRAZY WHEN THEY DO. It's like I'll be casually going about my business la la la and playing with my chin and suddenly there it will be.
On my face in particular, there are two types of these lovely little stray chin hairs. One type are those creepily long stealth hairs where I swear it has a powerful cloaking device activated until it reaches precisely three inches long and then all of a sudden it pops out of your face yelling SURPRISE like a stripper in a cake, complete with microscopic g-string to tuck teeny tiny bills into.
...that's the second time stippers have come up in my journal today, incidentally. THEME SENSED.
This week's source of offense was the other kind. Not the gloriously long, rapturously curly in a way that would make Pantene models' lips curl with envy sort. No, these are the short stubbly motherfuckers that never get more than an eighth of an inch long and poke out of your face like the worlds' loneliest porcupine quill. The ones you cannot see in a mirror no matter how bright the light or how great the magnification but yet every time you run your finger down your jaw there it is, waiting to stab you. The kind that will make you (or at least does me) claw at your face in frustration trying to extract the demon hair from your face with your fingernails even though you know it's futile.
No big deal right? just go after it with some tweezers, problem solved. Except we haven't located![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cell23's pair, and I didn't take the pair I had from Boobyhaven. So I've pretty much had this thing mocking me for a week. I finally broke down and got tweezers tonight after a week of throwing every other utensil at it (scissors, razor, nail clippers, needle nosed pliers) and having it defeat them all. A couple of hot pinches to the face, and the hair is gone. Andee's sanity is preserved for another day.
Yeah yeah first world problem, I know I know. I admit it, I'm a wuss and it wouldn't take a lot to have me whimpering DO IT TO JULIA in a corner somewhere, but seriously, somehow inducing several random spiky hairs to sprout from my jaw/chin, make sure I can feel them and know where they are and deny me access to tweezers ranks up there in effective methods of making me lose my mind, below locking me in a moldy wine cellar, any kind of dentalwork that involves Novocaine needles, and trapping me in a car with Nuke if she feels like cranking the Jesus music and singing along.
Not a huge deal, right? these things happen. EXCEPT IT FUCKING DRIVES ME CRAZY WHEN THEY DO. It's like I'll be casually going about my business la la la and playing with my chin and suddenly there it will be.
On my face in particular, there are two types of these lovely little stray chin hairs. One type are those creepily long stealth hairs where I swear it has a powerful cloaking device activated until it reaches precisely three inches long and then all of a sudden it pops out of your face yelling SURPRISE like a stripper in a cake, complete with microscopic g-string to tuck teeny tiny bills into.
...that's the second time stippers have come up in my journal today, incidentally. THEME SENSED.
This week's source of offense was the other kind. Not the gloriously long, rapturously curly in a way that would make Pantene models' lips curl with envy sort. No, these are the short stubbly motherfuckers that never get more than an eighth of an inch long and poke out of your face like the worlds' loneliest porcupine quill. The ones you cannot see in a mirror no matter how bright the light or how great the magnification but yet every time you run your finger down your jaw there it is, waiting to stab you. The kind that will make you (or at least does me) claw at your face in frustration trying to extract the demon hair from your face with your fingernails even though you know it's futile.
No big deal right? just go after it with some tweezers, problem solved. Except we haven't located
cell23's pair, and I didn't take the pair I had from Boobyhaven. So I've pretty much had this thing mocking me for a week. I finally broke down and got tweezers tonight after a week of throwing every other utensil at it (scissors, razor, nail clippers, needle nosed pliers) and having it defeat them all. A couple of hot pinches to the face, and the hair is gone. Andee's sanity is preserved for another day.Yeah yeah first world problem, I know I know. I admit it, I'm a wuss and it wouldn't take a lot to have me whimpering DO IT TO JULIA in a corner somewhere, but seriously, somehow inducing several random spiky hairs to sprout from my jaw/chin, make sure I can feel them and know where they are and deny me access to tweezers ranks up there in effective methods of making me lose my mind, below locking me in a moldy wine cellar, any kind of dentalwork that involves Novocaine needles, and trapping me in a car with Nuke if she feels like cranking the Jesus music and singing along.
IT IS VANQUISHED
Sep. 8th, 2010 08:53 pmEver since the move there's been a hair across my ass poking out of my jaw.
Not a huge deal, right? these things happen. EXCEPT IT FUCKING DRIVES ME CRAZY WHEN THEY DO. It's like I'll be casually going about my business la la la and playing with my chin and suddenly there it will be.
On my face in particular, there are two types of these lovely little stray chin hairs. One type are those creepily long stealth hairs where I swear it has a powerful cloaking device activated until it reaches precisely three inches long and then all of a sudden it pops out of your face yelling SURPRISE like a stripper in a cake, complete with microscopic g-string to tuck teeny tiny bills into.
...that's the second time stippers have come up in my journal today, incidentally. THEME SENSED.
This week's source of offense was the other kind. Not the gloriously long, rapturously curly in a way that would make Pantene models' lips curl with envy sort. No, these are the short stubbly motherfuckers that never get more than an eighth of an inch long and poke out of your face like the worlds' loneliest porcupine quill. The ones you cannot see in a mirror no matter how bright the light or how great the magnification but yet every time you run your finger down your jaw there it is, waiting to stab you. The kind that will make you (or at least does me) claw at your face in frustration trying to extract the demon hair from your face with your fingernails even though you know it's futile.
No big deal right? just go after it with some tweezers, problem solved. Except we haven't locatedcell23's pair, and I didn't take the pair I had from Boobyhaven. So I've pretty much had this thing mocking me for a week. I finally broke down and got tweezers tonight after a week of throwing every other utensil at it (scissors, razor, nail clippers, needle nosed pliers) and having it defeat them all. A couple of hot pinches to the face, and the hair is gone. Andee's sanity is preserved for another day.
Yeah yeah first world problem, I know I know. I admit it, I'm a wuss and it wouldn't take a lot to have me whimpering DO IT TO JULIA in a corner somewhere, but seriously, somehow inducing several random spiky hairs to sprout from my jaw/chin, make sure I can feel them and know where they are and deny me access to tweezers ranks up there in effective methods of making me lose my mind, below locking me in a moldy wine cellar, any kind of dentalwork that involves Novocaine needles, and trapping me in a car with Nuke if she feels like cranking the Jesus music and singing along.
Not a huge deal, right? these things happen. EXCEPT IT FUCKING DRIVES ME CRAZY WHEN THEY DO. It's like I'll be casually going about my business la la la and playing with my chin and suddenly there it will be.
On my face in particular, there are two types of these lovely little stray chin hairs. One type are those creepily long stealth hairs where I swear it has a powerful cloaking device activated until it reaches precisely three inches long and then all of a sudden it pops out of your face yelling SURPRISE like a stripper in a cake, complete with microscopic g-string to tuck teeny tiny bills into.
...that's the second time stippers have come up in my journal today, incidentally. THEME SENSED.
This week's source of offense was the other kind. Not the gloriously long, rapturously curly in a way that would make Pantene models' lips curl with envy sort. No, these are the short stubbly motherfuckers that never get more than an eighth of an inch long and poke out of your face like the worlds' loneliest porcupine quill. The ones you cannot see in a mirror no matter how bright the light or how great the magnification but yet every time you run your finger down your jaw there it is, waiting to stab you. The kind that will make you (or at least does me) claw at your face in frustration trying to extract the demon hair from your face with your fingernails even though you know it's futile.
No big deal right? just go after it with some tweezers, problem solved. Except we haven't located
cell23's pair, and I didn't take the pair I had from Boobyhaven. So I've pretty much had this thing mocking me for a week. I finally broke down and got tweezers tonight after a week of throwing every other utensil at it (scissors, razor, nail clippers, needle nosed pliers) and having it defeat them all. A couple of hot pinches to the face, and the hair is gone. Andee's sanity is preserved for another day.Yeah yeah first world problem, I know I know. I admit it, I'm a wuss and it wouldn't take a lot to have me whimpering DO IT TO JULIA in a corner somewhere, but seriously, somehow inducing several random spiky hairs to sprout from my jaw/chin, make sure I can feel them and know where they are and deny me access to tweezers ranks up there in effective methods of making me lose my mind, below locking me in a moldy wine cellar, any kind of dentalwork that involves Novocaine needles, and trapping me in a car with Nuke if she feels like cranking the Jesus music and singing along.
Determination
Aug. 25th, 2010 08:19 amToday will be productive even if it kills me. Judging by what my intestines have to say about this, this may indeed be a deadly effort. But it's crunch time, both in move terms and in work terms and shit's still gotta get done, no matter what my spoon count. And really, this is the attitude I have to take this whole week in order to get through it in one piece.
I can do this. Really.
Right, off to beat my ever growing to-do list into some kind of submission. Clapping appreciated. Also, I'm probably gonna get kinda sporadic in my internet until it's all set up at the new place, so if y'all would click these dragons from time to time, that'd be pretty awesome.
Right, off I go. Catch you on the flip, barring something shiny happens on youtube per usual.
I can do this. Really.
Right, off to beat my ever growing to-do list into some kind of submission. Clapping appreciated. Also, I'm probably gonna get kinda sporadic in my internet until it's all set up at the new place, so if y'all would click these dragons from time to time, that'd be pretty awesome.
Right, off I go. Catch you on the flip, barring something shiny happens on youtube per usual.
Determination
Aug. 25th, 2010 08:19 amToday will be productive even if it kills me. Judging by what my intestines have to say about this, this may indeed be a deadly effort. But it's crunch time, both in move terms and in work terms and shit's still gotta get done, no matter what my spoon count. And really, this is the attitude I have to take this whole week in order to get through it in one piece.
I can do this. Really.
Right, off to beat my ever growing to-do list into some kind of submission. Clapping appreciated. Also, I'm probably gonna get kinda sporadic in my internet until it's all set up at the new place, so if y'all would click these dragons from time to time, that'd be pretty awesome.
Right, off I go. Catch you on the flip, barring something shiny happens on youtube per usual.
I can do this. Really.
Right, off to beat my ever growing to-do list into some kind of submission. Clapping appreciated. Also, I'm probably gonna get kinda sporadic in my internet until it's all set up at the new place, so if y'all would click these dragons from time to time, that'd be pretty awesome.
Right, off I go. Catch you on the flip, barring something shiny happens on youtube per usual.
Clearly not going to work was a good idea.
Jul. 1st, 2010 11:22 amSo it's 11:22 and so far today I've driven the wrong way down a one way street (got laughed at by a cute girl for doing so BUT STILL omg I did that), blew through a stop sign I didn't see but should have known was there (luckily no one was coming and no cops witnessed this but it freaked me the fuck out), and broken down crying in the coffee/tea aisle of Stop&Shop because VERY CLEARLY I am a miserable failure at life despite that in between all this I was running Grown Up Responsible Adult errands and all things considered have gotten a lot done this morning.
Moral of story: BITCH, COFFEE IS NOT BREAKFAST. YOU NEED CALORIES TO FUNCTION.
...it probably says something that my brain said that to me in Lafayette voice and is currently looking at me like this:
Right, yeah, I'm going to go eat something, wibble in the corner clutching my "I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT" trophy for dear life, pop an ativan, and attempt to make something positive out of the rest of today. *sigh*
Moral of story: BITCH, COFFEE IS NOT BREAKFAST. YOU NEED CALORIES TO FUNCTION.
...it probably says something that my brain said that to me in Lafayette voice and is currently looking at me like this:
Right, yeah, I'm going to go eat something, wibble in the corner clutching my "I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT" trophy for dear life, pop an ativan, and attempt to make something positive out of the rest of today. *sigh*
Clearly not going to work was a good idea.
Jul. 1st, 2010 11:22 amSo it's 11:22 and so far today I've driven the wrong way down a one way street (got laughed at by a cute girl for doing so BUT STILL omg I did that), blew through a stop sign I didn't see but should have known was there (luckily no one was coming and no cops witnessed this but it freaked me the fuck out), and broken down crying in the coffee/tea aisle of Stop&Shop because VERY CLEARLY I am a miserable failure at life despite that in between all this I was running Grown Up Responsible Adult errands and all things considered have gotten a lot done this morning.
Moral of story: BITCH, COFFEE IS NOT BREAKFAST. YOU NEED CALORIES TO FUNCTION.
...it probably says something that my brain said that to me in Lafayette voice and is currently looking at me like this:
Right, yeah, I'm going to go eat something, wibble in the corner clutching my "I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT" trophy for dear life, pop an ativan, and attempt to make something positive out of the rest of today. *sigh*
Moral of story: BITCH, COFFEE IS NOT BREAKFAST. YOU NEED CALORIES TO FUNCTION.
...it probably says something that my brain said that to me in Lafayette voice and is currently looking at me like this:
Right, yeah, I'm going to go eat something, wibble in the corner clutching my "I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT" trophy for dear life, pop an ativan, and attempt to make something positive out of the rest of today. *sigh*
Coping with anxiety
May. 11th, 2010 04:39 pmso in addition to working from home (and actually having a day where I, you know, work) I also cleaned my room, made pancakes, baked bread (whole wheat this time! hope it's good) and yellow cake-in-a-box. Waiting for the bread maker and the loaf to cool a bit from FLAMES OF HELL to handle-able so I can wash out the pan, rescue the mixing paddle from the bottom of the loaf, and make one more loaf of last weeks recipe. Alas that'll do me for yeast.
None of this, other than the actual working, is lessening what's freaking me out any, but at least my house smells nice and you can walk through my room without stepping on shit. Later I may experiment with creative uses of Annie's pasta. And watch LOST.
I sense a pattern of work/freakout/do something entirely else but still constructive cycle coming on. If I get a little antisocial/incommunicado that's why.
None of this, other than the actual working, is lessening what's freaking me out any, but at least my house smells nice and you can walk through my room without stepping on shit. Later I may experiment with creative uses of Annie's pasta. And watch LOST.
I sense a pattern of work/freakout/do something entirely else but still constructive cycle coming on. If I get a little antisocial/incommunicado that's why.
Coping with anxiety
May. 11th, 2010 04:39 pmso in addition to working from home (and actually having a day where I, you know, work) I also cleaned my room, made pancakes, baked bread (whole wheat this time! hope it's good) and yellow cake-in-a-box. Waiting for the bread maker and the loaf to cool a bit from FLAMES OF HELL to handle-able so I can wash out the pan, rescue the mixing paddle from the bottom of the loaf, and make one more loaf of last weeks recipe. Alas that'll do me for yeast.
None of this, other than the actual working, is lessening what's freaking me out any, but at least my house smells nice and you can walk through my room without stepping on shit. Later I may experiment with creative uses of Annie's pasta. And watch LOST.
I sense a pattern of work/freakout/do something entirely else but still constructive cycle coming on. If I get a little antisocial/incommunicado that's why.
None of this, other than the actual working, is lessening what's freaking me out any, but at least my house smells nice and you can walk through my room without stepping on shit. Later I may experiment with creative uses of Annie's pasta. And watch LOST.
I sense a pattern of work/freakout/do something entirely else but still constructive cycle coming on. If I get a little antisocial/incommunicado that's why.
Austin peeps roll call
Feb. 18th, 2010 02:29 pmI realize I'm being paranoid, but comment and let me know y'all and yours are okay.
Austin peeps roll call
Feb. 18th, 2010 02:29 pmI realize I'm being paranoid, but comment and let me know y'all and yours are okay.
Dead men tell no tales
Sep. 24th, 2009 06:33 pmThe anxiety train chugs onwards.
Sorta lost my shit this afternoon after tearing up the house looking for my iPod and phone for like half an hour before realizing that I had managed to leave both atcell23's this morning. (at least I hope I did.) Tried to work on the sorta craft project I started as a brain calming exercise this week but even that and SVU wasn't helping, and I finally just grabbed my keys and took off.
I needed to be alone for a while I think, and I needed out of the house. *sigh* need to get back on the ball regarding Hanzo-san, because being at home all day with the roomie blipping at me every 20 minutes is going to drive me fuckbazoink real quick. I ended up walking down to Riverside Cemetery, which is a good mile and a half down Old Amherst Road. It's pretty and peaceful down there, as I sort of suspected it would be... unfortunately it's also a reasonably popular dog walk, so when I started going down the road towards the cemetery proper I had two large labs immediately charge me barking... not cool at all. I'm still not a dog person, apparently. Once the dogs sniffed me and decided I wasn't interesting it was okay, but... I haven't been that terrified since having to deal with that horrible dog that used to live next door to the Farmhouse. There was a reason why I wouldn't come in the back door ever.
Between that and the pent up emotional baggage I brought in with me I pretty much sat on a log overlooking the river and just bawled my eyes out for about forty five minutes. I now have a raging headache from that, but the brain is calmer and a little clearer at least, so I guess it's what I needed to do. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm freaking out - I'm always one to bottle up the worst of the rage/anxiety/depression until things like my guts exploding happen... well, big surprise, I've made no progress there. Le Sigh. Gotta find some way of dealing with that effectively so I don't... lose entire weeks like I have. Fucking brain.
Anyway, barring the dog terror, it was a good walk. Need to go back with the camera once the leaves turn. Kinda excited to see it starting already here and there - its gonna be PRETTEH here when all the leaves turn for real.
Speaking of exploding guts.... It's been a year. Considering the intestinal drama started on the Friday night during the first Presidential debate... yeah. It's gonna be tough not being haunted by emergency surgery/hospital flashbacks for the next little while, not to mention malingering other headnoise triggered by that. I keep trying to stuff down all the bad shit I'm still processing through and get over it, but sometimes... I don't know. I realize, academically, that I can't rush this, that I need to give things adequate time to heal, especially given my proclivity towards sitting and picking at scabs until they bleed (literally and figuratively). But god damn I'm tired of being haunted, some days bad enough to keep me from getting anything else done besides glorified wallowing. Sometimes I just want to find the switch that just turns all of this shit off and makes me not care about any of it once and for all... and it galls me to no end knowing that said switch don't exist. *sigh* I guess if I had to pick a week for goodwill towards my body, mind, and heart, not to mention other people, the next couple ain't gonna be good candidates.
anyway. Gonna go swallow like a liter and a half of water and go make some lists.
Sorta lost my shit this afternoon after tearing up the house looking for my iPod and phone for like half an hour before realizing that I had managed to leave both at
cell23's this morning. (at least I hope I did.) Tried to work on the sorta craft project I started as a brain calming exercise this week but even that and SVU wasn't helping, and I finally just grabbed my keys and took off.I needed to be alone for a while I think, and I needed out of the house. *sigh* need to get back on the ball regarding Hanzo-san, because being at home all day with the roomie blipping at me every 20 minutes is going to drive me fuckbazoink real quick. I ended up walking down to Riverside Cemetery, which is a good mile and a half down Old Amherst Road. It's pretty and peaceful down there, as I sort of suspected it would be... unfortunately it's also a reasonably popular dog walk, so when I started going down the road towards the cemetery proper I had two large labs immediately charge me barking... not cool at all. I'm still not a dog person, apparently. Once the dogs sniffed me and decided I wasn't interesting it was okay, but... I haven't been that terrified since having to deal with that horrible dog that used to live next door to the Farmhouse. There was a reason why I wouldn't come in the back door ever.
Between that and the pent up emotional baggage I brought in with me I pretty much sat on a log overlooking the river and just bawled my eyes out for about forty five minutes. I now have a raging headache from that, but the brain is calmer and a little clearer at least, so I guess it's what I needed to do. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm freaking out - I'm always one to bottle up the worst of the rage/anxiety/depression until things like my guts exploding happen... well, big surprise, I've made no progress there. Le Sigh. Gotta find some way of dealing with that effectively so I don't... lose entire weeks like I have. Fucking brain.
Anyway, barring the dog terror, it was a good walk. Need to go back with the camera once the leaves turn. Kinda excited to see it starting already here and there - its gonna be PRETTEH here when all the leaves turn for real.
Speaking of exploding guts.... It's been a year. Considering the intestinal drama started on the Friday night during the first Presidential debate... yeah. It's gonna be tough not being haunted by emergency surgery/hospital flashbacks for the next little while, not to mention malingering other headnoise triggered by that. I keep trying to stuff down all the bad shit I'm still processing through and get over it, but sometimes... I don't know. I realize, academically, that I can't rush this, that I need to give things adequate time to heal, especially given my proclivity towards sitting and picking at scabs until they bleed (literally and figuratively). But god damn I'm tired of being haunted, some days bad enough to keep me from getting anything else done besides glorified wallowing. Sometimes I just want to find the switch that just turns all of this shit off and makes me not care about any of it once and for all... and it galls me to no end knowing that said switch don't exist. *sigh* I guess if I had to pick a week for goodwill towards my body, mind, and heart, not to mention other people, the next couple ain't gonna be good candidates.
anyway. Gonna go swallow like a liter and a half of water and go make some lists.
Dead men tell no tales
Sep. 24th, 2009 06:33 pmThe anxiety train chugs onwards.
Sorta lost my shit this afternoon after tearing up the house looking for my iPod and phone for like half an hour before realizing that I had managed to leave both atcell23's this morning. (at least I hope I did.) Tried to work on the sorta craft project I started as a brain calming exercise this week but even that and SVU wasn't helping, and I finally just grabbed my keys and took off.
I needed to be alone for a while I think, and I needed out of the house. *sigh* need to get back on the ball regarding Hanzo-san, because being at home all day with the roomie blipping at me every 20 minutes is going to drive me fuckbazoink real quick. I ended up walking down to Riverside Cemetery, which is a good mile and a half down Old Amherst Road. It's pretty and peaceful down there, as I sort of suspected it would be... unfortunately it's also a reasonably popular dog walk, so when I started going down the road towards the cemetery proper I had two large labs immediately charge me barking... not cool at all. I'm still not a dog person, apparently. Once the dogs sniffed me and decided I wasn't interesting it was okay, but... I haven't been that terrified since having to deal with that horrible dog that used to live next door to the Farmhouse. There was a reason why I wouldn't come in the back door ever.
Between that and the pent up emotional baggage I brought in with me I pretty much sat on a log overlooking the river and just bawled my eyes out for about forty five minutes. I now have a raging headache from that, but the brain is calmer and a little clearer at least, so I guess it's what I needed to do. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm freaking out - I'm always one to bottle up the worst of the rage/anxiety/depression until things like my guts exploding happen... well, big surprise, I've made no progress there. Le Sigh. Gotta find some way of dealing with that effectively so I don't... lose entire weeks like I have. Fucking brain.
Anyway, barring the dog terror, it was a good walk. Need to go back with the camera once the leaves turn. Kinda excited to see it starting already here and there - its gonna be PRETTEH here when all the leaves turn for real.
Speaking of exploding guts.... It's been a year. Considering the intestinal drama started on the Friday night during the first Presidential debate... yeah. It's gonna be tough not being haunted by emergency surgery/hospital flashbacks for the next little while, not to mention malingering other headnoise triggered by that. I keep trying to stuff down all the bad shit I'm still processing through and get over it, but sometimes... I don't know. I realize, academically, that I can't rush this, that I need to give things adequate time to heal, especially given my proclivity towards sitting and picking at scabs until they bleed (literally and figuratively). But god damn I'm tired of being haunted, some days bad enough to keep me from getting anything else done besides glorified wallowing. Sometimes I just want to find the switch that just turns all of this shit off and makes me not care about any of it once and for all... and it galls me to no end knowing that said switch don't exist. *sigh* I guess if I had to pick a week for goodwill towards my body, mind, and heart, not to mention other people, the next couple ain't gonna be good candidates.
anyway. Gonna go swallow like a liter and a half of water and go make some lists.
Sorta lost my shit this afternoon after tearing up the house looking for my iPod and phone for like half an hour before realizing that I had managed to leave both at
cell23's this morning. (at least I hope I did.) Tried to work on the sorta craft project I started as a brain calming exercise this week but even that and SVU wasn't helping, and I finally just grabbed my keys and took off.I needed to be alone for a while I think, and I needed out of the house. *sigh* need to get back on the ball regarding Hanzo-san, because being at home all day with the roomie blipping at me every 20 minutes is going to drive me fuckbazoink real quick. I ended up walking down to Riverside Cemetery, which is a good mile and a half down Old Amherst Road. It's pretty and peaceful down there, as I sort of suspected it would be... unfortunately it's also a reasonably popular dog walk, so when I started going down the road towards the cemetery proper I had two large labs immediately charge me barking... not cool at all. I'm still not a dog person, apparently. Once the dogs sniffed me and decided I wasn't interesting it was okay, but... I haven't been that terrified since having to deal with that horrible dog that used to live next door to the Farmhouse. There was a reason why I wouldn't come in the back door ever.
Between that and the pent up emotional baggage I brought in with me I pretty much sat on a log overlooking the river and just bawled my eyes out for about forty five minutes. I now have a raging headache from that, but the brain is calmer and a little clearer at least, so I guess it's what I needed to do. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm freaking out - I'm always one to bottle up the worst of the rage/anxiety/depression until things like my guts exploding happen... well, big surprise, I've made no progress there. Le Sigh. Gotta find some way of dealing with that effectively so I don't... lose entire weeks like I have. Fucking brain.
Anyway, barring the dog terror, it was a good walk. Need to go back with the camera once the leaves turn. Kinda excited to see it starting already here and there - its gonna be PRETTEH here when all the leaves turn for real.
Speaking of exploding guts.... It's been a year. Considering the intestinal drama started on the Friday night during the first Presidential debate... yeah. It's gonna be tough not being haunted by emergency surgery/hospital flashbacks for the next little while, not to mention malingering other headnoise triggered by that. I keep trying to stuff down all the bad shit I'm still processing through and get over it, but sometimes... I don't know. I realize, academically, that I can't rush this, that I need to give things adequate time to heal, especially given my proclivity towards sitting and picking at scabs until they bleed (literally and figuratively). But god damn I'm tired of being haunted, some days bad enough to keep me from getting anything else done besides glorified wallowing. Sometimes I just want to find the switch that just turns all of this shit off and makes me not care about any of it once and for all... and it galls me to no end knowing that said switch don't exist. *sigh* I guess if I had to pick a week for goodwill towards my body, mind, and heart, not to mention other people, the next couple ain't gonna be good candidates.
anyway. Gonna go swallow like a liter and a half of water and go make some lists.
can't brain today.
can't sleep to-do list will eat me.
NEED to brain today, and yet 3 cups of coffee ain't doing the trick. I'm awake, but the brain ish't working. I'm hoping some Annie's shells and cheese will help, in case it's a blood sugar thing and not a caffiene one.
can't brain today.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGH!
This picture made me smile. I can't vouch for the veracity of the statement, but A for meme effort:
Pray my ability to brain returns in the next 20 min.
can't sleep to-do list will eat me.
NEED to brain today, and yet 3 cups of coffee ain't doing the trick. I'm awake, but the brain ish't working. I'm hoping some Annie's shells and cheese will help, in case it's a blood sugar thing and not a caffiene one.
can't brain today.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGH!
This picture made me smile. I can't vouch for the veracity of the statement, but A for meme effort:
Pray my ability to brain returns in the next 20 min.
can't brain today.
can't sleep to-do list will eat me.
NEED to brain today, and yet 3 cups of coffee ain't doing the trick. I'm awake, but the brain ish't working. I'm hoping some Annie's shells and cheese will help, in case it's a blood sugar thing and not a caffiene one.
can't brain today.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGH!
This picture made me smile. I can't vouch for the veracity of the statement, but A for meme effort:
Pray my ability to brain returns in the next 20 min.
can't sleep to-do list will eat me.
NEED to brain today, and yet 3 cups of coffee ain't doing the trick. I'm awake, but the brain ish't working. I'm hoping some Annie's shells and cheese will help, in case it's a blood sugar thing and not a caffiene one.
can't brain today.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGH!
This picture made me smile. I can't vouch for the veracity of the statement, but A for meme effort:
Pray my ability to brain returns in the next 20 min.
It's like, seventy something out there today, there's a cold breeze shooting through cell23's, and after the overheated misery of the rest of the week this just feels delicious.
Lifewise things are still kind of up in the air and in limbo. Goddamn I hate bank holds! Grrr. I wanted everything all done on monday, here it is four days later and I'm still a big ball of stress and panic. Goddamn I hate money. Praying everything untangles in the next 24 so I can at least have a not panicky weekend. That on top of other things is really decimating my general state of being and mind -cell23 had to pet and spoil me a little bit this morning because my general level of self-confidence was hovering between DISMAL and FAIL... really it's been inching lower the longer this all drags out. Feh. At least yesterday I got to work out some of the stress and feel useful since I'd agreed to baby-sit some of another_murray's stuff in my storage unit until he can get into his new place, so there was some box tetris and an opportunity to check on my stuff, which is all fine, though currently there are a fair amount of spiders cohabitating with it. BUT. Aside from the brief boost of "Feeling Useful!" the trip was good for one other thing which is that I KAN HAS TEVAS AGAIN. hooray for not having to wear socks for a while.
Keeping my fingers crossed that various and sundry other things go off with a minimum of stress today, and that personal shit will unravel for me, preferably before gasket is popped.
Coffeenau, then work.
cell23's, and after the overheated misery of the rest of the week this just feels delicious.Lifewise things are still kind of up in the air and in limbo. Goddamn I hate bank holds! Grrr. I wanted everything all done on monday, here it is four days later and I'm still a big ball of stress and panic. Goddamn I hate money. Praying everything untangles in the next 24 so I can at least have a not panicky weekend. That on top of other things is really decimating my general state of being and mind -
cell23 had to pet and spoil me a little bit this morning because my general level of self-confidence was hovering between DISMAL and FAIL... really it's been inching lower the longer this all drags out. Feh. At least yesterday I got to work out some of the stress and feel useful since I'd agreed to baby-sit some of another_murray's stuff in my storage unit until he can get into his new place, so there was some box tetris and an opportunity to check on my stuff, which is all fine, though currently there are a fair amount of spiders cohabitating with it. BUT. Aside from the brief boost of "Feeling Useful!" the trip was good for one other thing which is that I KAN HAS TEVAS AGAIN. hooray for not having to wear socks for a while.Keeping my fingers crossed that various and sundry other things go off with a minimum of stress today, and that personal shit will unravel for me, preferably before gasket is popped.
Coffeenau, then work.
