anagram of brat

So I mostly "wrote" this post with the Dragon Dictate app on my phone. I downloaded it at the recommendation of Ruthy, who apparently uses it for everything. Since she swears by it, I figured I'd give it a go. It'll be interesting because I speak very differently from how I write... I sense there will be a lot of editing in post. (ETA: Oh dear gods yes wow my spoken rambling makes NO sense written down, lol.)

So, what's been going on... Ferguson. *sigh* It's been really upsetting me, for reasons that should be pretty damned obvious. I don't really want to write too much about it, honestly, both because upsetting, and also because people out there and on the ground have already written, tweeted and livestreamed quite a bit about it in the past couple of weeks as everything unfolded. But yeah, it's... it's been bringing me down, so much that I can only take twitter in small doses now. It's also deeply affected Drew - the other night we had a talk about how he came to the realization I'd been kinda carrying since Trayvon Martin was killed - that if by some miracle (or if we accepted Nuke's still standing offer on paying for a vasectomy reversal) we had a kid, that one day it could be them dead in the street for little to no reason at all. Needless to say, it threw him for a loop, and he got further thrown realizing that I've lived with this constant threat all my life. It's funny, almost anyone else I'd be all *raised eyebrow* yeah, welcome to my life, have a T-shirt, it sucks. Not so much this time - I guess what I'm feeling regarding that discussion is less the usual racial schadenfreude and more of a "ohh, he actually really gets it." I mean, yes it sucks major balls carrying the knowledge of just how much the world sucks around. They're not kidding about ignorance being bliss. (And judging by some of the shit I've seen online, there are a lot of very blissful people out there.) At the same time, it's on some level a relief knowing he does think about it and understands some of it. Not going to lie, it's a nice change from several years ago and him being irritated by the very idea of privilege and how it applies to him.

In other life and adulthood suck news, lol... actually I have some reasonably good news on that front. Reasonably because money still sucks and is going to temporarily suck a bit more than usual, but the suckage will be in service to money ultimately NOT sucking in the reasonably near future. I know, that was clear as mud, and how about I say reasonably a few more times? I guess lets just say I'd been avoiding handling a particular chunk of financial stupid and it had been feeling like an anvil about to drop on my head, but I finally gathered my gonads and dealt with it this week. Again, the dealing with it is still gonna make life annoying for a little while, but at this point I will willingly take being slightly annoyed and inconvenienced over the weight I'd been dragging for the better part of two years. So go me? I guess? Ugh. After rolling around in the relief of finally getting that handled I fell into a sulk about the various little ways my life has been slowly spinning out of my control lately. In slightly less melodramatic turns, even before this week I've noticed there's been a gradual uptick in anxiety/avoidance/self-sabotaging behavior on my part this year. Well, really since about when Dad passed, but its lately gotten to the point where if it hasn't already, its gonna start marching up my pants leg to bite the inside of my ass. So I need to get a firm handle on the plates I already have spinning, safely remove a few, and then seriously sit down and start looking for therapists again. Because fuck this shit.

There has been Massive Monkeyspace Drama on Facebook this week too, which got to such a patently ridiculous level that it looped into hilarious. I'm sure modern incarnations of the purity tests we used to forward around in college have a question concerning "have you ever lost a friend in an online fight?" and I'm also sure I'm down that point as of Monday night, but honestly considering how things fell out I'm okay with that. While the actual drama itself was eyeroll-worthy at best the aftermath seems to be causing some old previous relationship scars to flare up again which just adds some delicious flavor to the mild suck soup that is my head right now. But, eh, it will pass and I will deal with it. I don't really want to get into it much further than that.

It's not been all suck either, but a lot of the not sucky things I can't put into a public post and I also have to go put the laundry in the dryer and return to the massive pile of work that still needs to get done tonight, boo. So I will just leave you with the high point of last weekend, which was cosplaying Carmen Sandiego for Bon Appetit Burlesque's "Around the World in 80 Twirls" show:



I can't remember the last time a costume made me so fucking happy. I've been a Carmen Sandiego fangirl since the game show used to air on PBS and I'd watch it with Roy Jr when he was wee tiny. Hell, I can still sing most of the theme song from memory, but that might have more to do with me also being a Rockapella fangirl. If the wig and the hat weren't so bloody hot I'd just be Carmen Sandiego all the damn time, though I am woefully incapable of pulling off national landmark level heists. I got a lot of compliments on the outfit. Desrvedly I think... I apparently can rock a red trench coat. :)

But back to life, back to reality. *sigh* *hatred*

ARBT ‏(@anagramofbrat) : Wee Beastie is grounded from anything with a screen this weekend. Dis gon be rough. #passwordsandunplugs

ARBT ‏(@anagramofbrat) : Also when I'm freaking out on Sunday because I forgot where I hid the power cable to @cell23's box, tell me it's in my altar drawer.

ARBT ‏(@anagramofbrat) : On the other hand part of me is kinda looking forward to the growls of frustrated 5 year old when he inevitably ties to be slick and fails.

ARBT ‏(@anagramofbrat) : and that part of me is probably why the world should be glad I don't do this full time. #troll #yourchildrenwell #stepmamashell #slowlygoby

ARBT ‏(@anagramofbrat) : Aw shit, earwormed myself. Fuck it. ♫ Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you you would cry, So just look at them and siiiiiiiiiiigh ♫

ARBT ‏(@anagramofbrat) : ♫ ...and say U MAD BRO? ♫ *guitar strumming*


Weird things sometimes happen when I think out loud on Twitter.

But yeah, lil'Man is on technology lockdown. (Schoolwork issues.) He isn't going to be happy this weekend. And neither are we. :/

The weathermen have said to expect 1-4 inches of snow for the last three days. Other than a sprinkle that was gone by 10am? no snow. Temperatures dropped and errthang, but nothing fell from the sky. At least it sorta feels like winter out there - other than the freak snowstorm around Halloween we haven't really had any winter weather of note this year.... which of course means we're going to get five feet around beginning to mid-April. I'd not be surprised if we got snowed into PAX.

Anyway. So life, not much really to report at the moment. I've been fighting off a chest cold for a little over a week; today I'm ready to declare the battle lost. Mostly because I can; I'm done with today's bell performance (which went much better than previous ones) and I've got nothing planned for the rest of the day. I did want to get productive things done with the time, but considering how I feel right now, I'm declaring fuck it and reserve the right to hide in my nice warm bed with library books and the iPad relentlessly consuming media and occasionally whining pathetically at cell23 to get me things so I don't have to move. Considering what the last couple of days have been like with regard to social, family and wedding stuff commitments, I'm not too surprised my body is all "No, seriously, bitch, lay down and rest a spell."

Course, I can't complain, other than being punctuated by coughing the past couple days had their really good moments. Friday I spent running around doing wedding shit (more about that in a separate entry because there is a LOT of blathering to be done about that) and yesterday I spent first up in Athol at cell23's uncle's birthday brunch, and then later we went to Moti's for dinner and all I can say is oooooooh, Persian lamb stew nom nom. After that there was the Bon Appetit Burlesque's Love/Hate Show and, well, boobies. Also there is something incredibly happy about ending your day by being sassed (and then hugged) by an adorable drag queen in a wedding dress. I seriously have more than a little bit of a crush on Hors D'Oeuvres, I'm not even going to lie.

It was during the second half of the show that I (and indeed, everyone else in the audience) heard about Whitney Houston. ( this got long. )

Anyway. About that lying down, resting a spell and feeling miserable... Waiting to Exhale has been on my Netflix queue forever, maybe today's a good day to actually watch it.

Final dragcave treat tally 73/94. I'm good with that. Now it's all about letting the eggs I have hatch up and then pretty much done til christmas.

Rock Band 3 on all instruments is mind blowingly fun. And yes, we had enough people tonight to have all four instruments and 3 microphones going at once. I totally like wants me own, precious, mostly cause there's shit I want to play/download that I know will get my ass clowned if other people are in the vicinity. :) Maybe by the time RB4 happens I'll have enough money loosened up for such things.

No trick or treaters, but despite this I've managed to consume enough kit kat and snickers fun size bars to give me a raging headache and a need to stay awake FOREVER. Oh wait... that might also have to do with the half a bottle of Pepsi I motored through today.

Wellp, it's officially November, which means my birthday is officially over (lol) and candy corn is disgusting again as of about an hour ago. I'm not doing NaNo this year (not like I ever do NaNo for more than a week anyway) - instead, going to work on some other stuff this month. I still have a ton of web crap on my plate that I need to finish, both personal and not, need to do some Serious Work Shit, have one new web project I want to get underway (but still need to clear the rest of it before I do in earnest) and need to address various and sundry money stuff so I can get some stuff paid down and get Hanzo-san back on the road. I miss driving my baby.

Also I need to jack out some this month, as I've noticed I'm fading back into my usual patterns of avoiding the minatours roaring in my head (and they've been LOUD the past little while, hoo boy) by fading into the Internet as much as possible. I'll still be on LJ, but in the interest of noise reduction I'm not going to be on twitter or FB much, so if I miss something good, holler. I think this month I'm going to spend dealing with the real world - getting my money and brain unscrambled, and actually working on some things instead of staring at them and panicking about how they're never going to get done. Hopefully I'll have made enough progress so that when Cataclysm actually drops I'll be able to a) afford it (oh.... crap, do I also have to buy lich king too? crud.) b) be able to have a free enough plate both time and headnoise-wise to play it with impunity.

So yeah, if I get quieter in the next 30 days, chances are I'm okay and hopefully busy as hell instead of staring at the ceiling babbling the Russian lyrics to Tetris or something. Yes, that song has words and I know them. The first couple of verses anyway.

I guess here's to a productive and triumphant November?

I apparently am failing my resist illness rolls more and more consistently as the week marches on. Last night after subjecting cell23 to the standard "Andee doesn't feel good so she's going to whine and tantrum like an overtired five year old and resist all attempts to be nice to her" and finally letting him march me off to bed, I seemed to be running a low grade fever. Considering how I felt during bell practice yesterday (it's hot in the choir loft, but not THAT hot) this isn't surprising. I feel a little less like microwaved shit this morning, but only a little.

Yesterday wasn't all bad though - borrowed cell23's car for the day and actually made it into the office after three weeks of being stuck home. Other than the 20 or so minutes of HO SHIT HOW DO I DRIVE AGAIN AAAAH THIS ISN'T MY CAR, it was really really nice to be on the road again. Yes, I'm the sick bastard that actually likes commuting. *sigh* Money should loosen up a bit next month, and then I should be able to get Hanzo-san re-insured and back into business, course then I have to worry about his tie-rod and inspection and argh. Adulthood is expensive.

Also there was burger and bitch session with htl_1126. That's always a good thing.

Finished Torchwood: Children of Earth. Wow. Yeah, while I didn't personally need it, I can definitely see why the warning to have strong alcohol on hand was warranted. ( Spoilery musing )

I'm pretty sure it's mostly cause I'm sick, but I've been fighting off not only the plague but beating back a depressive jag like whoa (no, CoE didn't exacerbate it, lol). Attempting to soldier through it and trying to head it off at the pass by doing things that make me happy and keep me on task, but it's there, waiting to jump me and all I can really do about it is beat it back with a stick and outwait it. It'll give up eventually.

Today: listen to the rain, to-do list, finish up Sons of Anarchy (at least to the broadcast point), maybe bake bread. Still on a quest for a whole wheat breadmaker recipe that won't produce a brick, but I'm not gonna even bother trying that today, just going to go for the standard white.

Thank the heavens for big sisters some days I swear. Otherwise today would have been FAR more failtastic than it was. *twitch*

Gonna salve my soul with jerkface kitten time now. Here have dragons.

Dear 222 Elm St,

Oh, baby, how is it you are still on the market after two and a half years? You are large, beautiful, historic and $400K cheaper than your original asking price. I realize it's a nasty market, but I am surprised that you're still out there. I would have thought that at least some horrible person with no appreciation for your multitudinous charms would have snapped you up and unceremoniously gutted and restructured you into ghastly condos by now, like every other nearby house that once had your stature and magnificence. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy you haven't been. But I'm also saddened to know that no one's done the equivalent of fall madly in love with you and sweep you off to a wonderful happy life... or whatever passes for such if you're real estate. Believe me, I'd have you in a heartbeat if money were no object. I can just see the fabulous salons and soirées I'd throw deep within your cavernous Victorian era rooms. But one thing I wasn't gifted with in this lifetime is insane wealth, nor the power to generate anything like it. Ah, if only I had been, I'd willingly spend a lifetime curled in the embrace of your delicious curved window seats contemplating the comings and goings of Elm Street from your graceful apertures.

Some small part of my mind would love to think that maybe you're waiting... waiting to find the special person or people that will walk through your fiendishly elegant double doors and be enveloped by you, that you will do everything but whisper "Welcome Home" in their ears. An even smaller part of my brain that likes to believe in utterly impossible things entertains the fancy that just maybe the person you are waiting for is me. Who knows, maybe if I'd gotten my shit together and dared to dream and do a little harder when I first noticed you were available... but playing what if never got anyone anywhere, did it?

I do hope someday soon you'll find those perfect people to fill your rooms with joy and sorrow and purpose and just plain old life again. And I will always love you from afar, for you are a bloody fantastic grande dame of a house and if I gotta have one pipe dream (one that I'll publicly admit to anyway) I'm glad its you.

Love always,

Me

Today has been all about little things what make me happy. Some days are like that, but as my first inclination is always to belittle said small things rather than recognizing them as important in their own small collective way, I figured I'd list them here.

1) Wild cherry Pepsi. Sadly the bottle I bought is almost empty, but when it is, I have a brandy new unopened bottle of Hershey's syrup to drink my Silk with.

2) Gorgeous, I mean really lovely, perfect weather. I think we maxed out at somewhere in the mid seventies with a delicious breeze.

3) And since it's so cool. I'M BAKING SOME GOT DAM BREAD. Never mind that...

4) I have most of a bag of whole wheat tennis rolls left in the fridge.

5) managed to swipe a vampire egg from the Dragcave abandoned page! All cave laid and errthang. Now if I could just get a couple of icicles and a female Gold...

6) so far haven't managed to miss any of my pills for today.

7) finding this gif:



8) being able to scrape up a wee bit of extra money to both help out a friend and also get back my paid account for at least July.

9) EMAIL! BANK! GROCERIES! CLEAN THINGS! Well, I check my email compulsively anyway, I only had 2 things to buy at the store, and the clean all things is still in progress. But still:



Don't judge, okay? 'Specially since I also PAID THINGS today. *strokes trophy and glares at you*

10) a week of blissful peace and quiet starting tomorrow.


And now I'm going to have myself a nice hot shower and try get some more stuff done.

So it's 11:22 and so far today I've driven the wrong way down a one way street (got laughed at by a cute girl for doing so BUT STILL omg I did that), blew through a stop sign I didn't see but should have known was there (luckily no one was coming and no cops witnessed this but it freaked me the fuck out), and broken down crying in the coffee/tea aisle of Stop&Shop because VERY CLEARLY I am a miserable failure at life despite that in between all this I was running Grown Up Responsible Adult errands and all things considered have gotten a lot done this morning.

Moral of story: BITCH, COFFEE IS NOT BREAKFAST. YOU NEED CALORIES TO FUNCTION.

...it probably says something that my brain said that to me in Lafayette voice and is currently looking at me like this:



Right, yeah, I'm going to go eat something, wibble in the corner clutching my "I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT" trophy for dear life, pop an ativan, and attempt to make something positive out of the rest of today. *sigh*