anagram of brat

• I'm getting better. The whole forcing myself to eat until my body stops treating food with suspicion seems to be working. Balancing it with lots of fluids, which seems to help. Small snacks instead of actual meals also seems to be the right way to go, especially since my stomach still likes to be all like NO after ten bites of anything. Not exactly 3 meals a day friendly right there.
  
  Surprisingly so far what has been pretty well accepted right now is cheese. I would think it would be something that would make me feel horrible but apparently this is not my week to be dairy-sensitive. So the last few days one of my primary nibbles is chunks of hard sharp yummy. grinninfoole treated me to a small brick of Gruyere on Thursday and today at the farmers' market the lady at the Chase Hill Dairy Farm stand gave me the remainder sample chunk of her sold out Queso Veijo, so for right now at least it's an easily indulged craving.
  
  
• Speaking of which, I did indeed go out to lunch with grinninfoole on Thursday, though considering my digestive issues I opted to have chicken noodle soup instead of Bueno y Sano. I do enjoy our lunch dates, it seems to be a nice check-in/how are we doing for both of us and have some frank discussion about depression, recovery, efforts at being more social/adult/goal oriented and how all that's going for us. Other than my health issues, we both seem to be on an upswing at the same time, which is excellent.
  
  
• D&D went decently on Thursday night; after a group consensus that combat and general gameplay needed to be tightened, I think overall we all did better. Apparently putting a chart down on my combat cheat sheet listing all my dice roll values helped me a lot - a fair amount of what slows me down during game, believe it or not, is trying to figure out what 17+26-4 is. We seem to be approaching the end of our campaign, and while I like playing Mare and enjoy the band of characters we've got going, I think I'm in agreement with avalon616 here - epic tier is kinda rough and aspects of it are starting to poke me in the "this is why you never liked endgame raiding in WoW either" place. Starting to. They haven't quite gotten there yet. We'll see how we progress.
  
  
• Work is actually pretty good now that back to school rush is over and the work study minions are starting to know what they're doing. The bad part is that my layout's been accepted so now I'm on the profoundly unfun bit of website design where I have to translate pretty shit in photoshop into CSS. Eugh. And I still have Other job stuff to do so if I can find a bit of time to work on that this weekend, next week should be nice, money wise.
  
  Oh and yesterday (well actually today, but never mind) was my boss's birthday. Apparently most of a slice of red velvet cake doesn't disagree with me either, go figure. ITS does not scrimp on the baked goods, seeing as besides the red velvet there was this cake called "to die for" that looked too much like diabetes on a plate to even want to get near, but damn. Also ITS has a fair amount of Polish folks. There was a rousing chorus of "Sto Lat" as the cakes were getting cut.
  
  
• Kiddos are here, and for the most part, behaving themselves. Kidzilla's missing front tooth is ridiculously cute when she giggles:
  
  
  
  See? Oh here, since Lil'Beast decided to butt into the picture taking have a bonus.
  
  
  
  We had a nice visit this morning from their grandparents (chirping_monkey's side) who dropped off a kitchen playset for them. Lil'Beast kept coming down the stairs and serving us invisible cakes. These are the moments that keep me from eating him, I swear.
  
  Every so often I have an "AAAAH TOO FAST STOP GROWING" with them. Between Kidzilla's facial window, having to raise her bike seat this afternoon, and the fact that Lil'beast is now too big for his PJs, tricycle and almost his sandals... yeah. They've both changed so much in the two years I've been regularly part of their weekends on this end of MA. And yeah, I realize it's what kids do, lol, come on, I'm still having issues with my nephew being legal to drink and getting tattoos and macking on women cause he tall and cute. Somewhere in the back of my brain he stopped growing around 12 and his siblings and Alejandra all stopped accordingly as well, no matter what their facebook statuses say. One of those things, I guess.
  
  
• We also managed to make it out to the farmers market, as I mentioned earlier. Came home with ingredients for some ghost pepper chili (which I will not be eating, thank you) and I've been bugging cell23 for two weeks to make potato leek soup, so he got stuff for that too. Noms are afoot. And the kids got maple candy and cheese and cookies so they as usual made out like bandits. I didn't personally get too much this time around, but I'm thinking next week I'll stop by the astarte farms tent, buy up a whole big bag of their end of season tomatoes as well as any I get off Icky and Sticky in the next week or so, plus a few other bits and pieces and try my hand at making an army sized batch of tomato sauce in the crock pot.
  
  
• New eggs in the cave today! I know I know "you still play that game? lolwut?" yeah yeah shut up.
  
  
  

Yeah, that's kinda life as I know it right now. In a few hours it'll be time for me and some of the crew to head down to Northampton for burlesque, and then tomorrow I think there's apple picking happening since we didn't get to go for Kidzilla's birthday. Definitely creeping on up to Fall... cannot wait...

Safe for work (and the sound ain't necessary), but probably not safe for the cohesion of your brain.

Guys, I think I've found my calling in life, or something, because I apparently throw bitchin parties. 'Course with the crowd of people that showed up to our house to properly usher cell23's fourth decade in last night, it's quite hard to have a bad party. Hell even the people that couldn't come but sent well-wishes via twitter (you were there in spirit, Mr. Berube!) helped, so yeah. There were also Muppets, Batman, Castlevania, and Mario Kart assisting. :) Special guest stars: cell23's now infamous Gay Bar Dance while he beat the shit out of his princess pinata (aersi helped). The terrifying pin the tail on the donkey game that oneforellis brought that looked like a donkey staring worriedly at his ass as red liquid appeared to pour out of it (it was supposed to be a target painted on, but it looked way too much like severe intestinal damage). THE MOTHERFUCKING INDIANA JONES CAKE WITH WORKING BALL. That's right you heard me. That cake was BOSS.

But yeah, you know how you know it was a good party? 2 reasons: 1) I just stumbled downstairs in search of breakfast (by the way, aersi? you're a motherfucking genius, thank you for the bagels) saw the horror my living room and kitchen are after everything... and grinned my face off. 2) The part where towards the end of the evening, cell23 (who tends to detest having a big thing made of his birthday, so yes, I threw him a party cause I'm a bitch like that ;) ) was being glomphed by all the remaining ladies present, and while cackling maniacally, declared that he should turn 30 every year.

I clearly win at everything. Including hangovers. I had quite a bit of "kool-aid" (hawaiian punch, sierra mist, tangerine vodka and slushed ice make great punch, btw) and then another_murray brought over pomegranate liqueur and i was just done for afterward. but I only have a bit of a headache this morning and that may well be because I forgot to make/get coffee. Yeah, I know.

But yeah, thanks guys. And happy birthday cell23. I love you, and I think it's safe to say so does everyone who was in attendance. :)

I think a good portion of today is going to be spent meditating on the sage words of the Rolling Stones. While part of my brain is trying really hard to pipe up with bits and pieces from "Sympathy for the Devil" (which is a meditation for another day), I'm actually planning to be mostly focusing on "You Can't Always Get What You Want." Especially the bit about "If you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need."

Yeah, it's the needs vs wants thing again. But yeah, today especially I want to see what I need to do to get myself taken care of - financially, emotionally, medically - and trying to shy away from the attitude that everything will fix itself once the finances stop being stupid (it won't, seeing as the finances and the health are intertwined). Also need to pretty much focus on getting my big girl panties on and taking care of business on a few fronts, but also to cut myself the appropriate slack if I don't have the spoons to get it all tied up today cause beating myself up about things isn't going to help get it done any faster. Process, not quick fix. Need to remember that. Also have to try to stay positive about fixing my own mess and keeping on top of it. Being responsible for myself isn't a bad thing. Really. It's honestly not the worst thing in the world to have to be the kind of princess that gets her own ass down from the tower. Sitting in it being pissed at other princesses being pretty and helpless and getting rescued and taken care of without having to do a blessed thing isn't getting me out of the tower any faster. And I can hate those other princesses just as hard when I get on the ground, you know?

I found myself thinking about my second planned tattoo yesterday on the way back from Boston and being a little sad that I didn't manage to get it when I wanted to. I was supposed to get it done when I came home, when I returned to the Valley, kind of bracketing my experience of self-imposed exile and return. Thing is, when I did get back I wasn't actually ready. I'm still not ready now, I don't feel like the "This" in This too shall pass" has actually passed yet. I'm still working through shit and putting to bed other shit and now there's this money crap that needs to be dealt with and ugh. I'm still... transitional. I'm still going to get it, but definitely once things settle out and down and I have a handle, direction and place in life again. That could be this fall. That could be this time next year. That could be the fall after that. I don't know. We'll see.

Also thinking of doing a big list of 100 things I want to accomplish in the next 10 years, just as a sort of eye towards finally developing some long term planning skills. Not exactly a bucket list, but yeah. Where do I want to be at age 41.5? What do I want to have done by then? Ten years becomes shorter and shorter of a space of time as you get older... but I definitely want to feel a lot better about how I spent my 30s than I did and still do about my 20s, which in a lot of ways feel very... squandered. I know, the more I talk to people about that the more I realize everyone kinda feels that way unless you're one of those people that did manage to miraculously Get It young, but that's less common than they'd have you believe. Wish I'd known that sooner, though knowing what I'm like, I doubt that would make me feel any less behind in the game of life. (Not the game of lice. Typos are fun.)

I started my last musing on this with a quote from The Princess Bride, Wesley's last spoken line. Inigo Montoya's realizing that now that he's accomplished the goal he spent twenty years of his life focusing on, he has no idea what's next. I can relate to that pretty hardcore right now... and I'm realizing oddly enough, that I'm at the right age for that sort of thing, not behind the game. Hell, to draw out the paralell, Inigo is exactly 31 in the movie. I don't know. I don't feel like I accomplished anything gigantic, like avenging my father's murder, but there's still that sense of one book closing and another opening, and being in charge, for once, of how the story goes from here. I guess I'm still waiting for a signpost, or someone to suggest piracy to me as a life direction, or something, but as the last of the ex-relationship BS gets laid to rest bit by bit (and I'm still not completely through that either) I admit, it's kinda nice to have a wide open compass available to me. Once I get my damn feet under me enough to pick a direction and walk, anyway.

Which is kinda my goal for today. Well working towards that anyway. Wish me luck.

So far I've only got one complaint about Planet Fitness, and that's the locker room. Particularly its olfactory effect. It smells like carpet and burnt plastic and all the asses that make up the population of a small country overlaid with the finest heirloom flower scents available from the flavor mills in New Jersey. To sum up, Floral Butt Surprise. Aside from that, I think I'm going to rather enjoy dragging myself off to the gym on a regular basis again. It's sort of a well timed decision - I actually stepped on the scale while I was there. Oy. Body by 7-11 indeed.

I went to work! And did work type things! And it was good! Never mind the bit where I somehow completely missed the exit for the Pike and ended up mired in Baystate construction in Springfield for half an hour trying to turn around... *ahem* Still getting used to Hanzo-san - I don't know if it's because he's lower to the ground, or old, or what but 60mph feels like I'm speeding. Except I know I'm not, because everyone else on the damn highway passes me. Grrrr. I'm sure that will resolve itself as we get used to each other.

I think the real nice thing about actually having to go to work is that I get to get my ass up and out the door, driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive (I still love doing it), be productive in ways I can't be in front of my own damn computer, driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive again, and then have that lovely "ahhh home" feeling when I pull in the driveway at the end. Course it would be nicer if my room weren't an utter filth pit right now *sigh* Hopefully I'll have the wherewithall to clean it some after a long hot shower... then again, it may instead be a good night to zone out and warcrack. Decisions...

Lots of running around and errandy things today. But Hanzo-san passed inspection, and I did manage to kick the shit out of myself at the gym (planet fitness is actually pretty awesome) and get some stuff done, and it ended up turning into a gorgeous day to be driving. Not bad, not bad at all.

There is still being That Friend With The Car for aersi later, and there will be karaoke, oh yes, lordy there will be karaoke and I'll get to find out why cell23's been doing the evil mastermind cackle all week. People should come with. :D

And now: there is blazing hot shower.