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I think a good portion of today is going to be spent meditating on the sage words of the Rolling Stones. While part of my brain is trying really hard to pipe up with bits and pieces from "Sympathy for the Devil" (which is a meditation for another day), I'm actually planning to be mostly focusing on "You Can't Always Get What You Want." Especially the bit about "If you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need."
Yeah, it's the needs vs wants thing again. But yeah, today especially I want to see what I need to do to get myself taken care of - financially, emotionally, medically - and trying to shy away from the attitude that everything will fix itself once the finances stop being stupid (it won't, seeing as the finances and the health are intertwined). Also need to pretty much focus on getting my big girl panties on and taking care of business on a few fronts, but also to cut myself the appropriate slack if I don't have the spoons to get it all tied up today cause beating myself up about things isn't going to help get it done any faster. Process, not quick fix. Need to remember that. Also have to try to stay positive about fixing my own mess and keeping on top of it. Being responsible for myself isn't a bad thing. Really. It's honestly not the worst thing in the world to have to be the kind of princess that gets her own ass down from the tower. Sitting in it being pissed at other princesses being pretty and helpless and getting rescued and taken care of without having to do a blessed thing isn't getting me out of the tower any faster. And I can hate those other princesses just as hard when I get on the ground, you know?
I found myself thinking about my second planned tattoo yesterday on the way back from Boston and being a little sad that I didn't manage to get it when I wanted to. I was supposed to get it done when I came home, when I returned to the Valley, kind of bracketing my experience of self-imposed exile and return. Thing is, when I did get back I wasn't actually ready. I'm still not ready now, I don't feel like the "This" in This too shall pass" has actually passed yet. I'm still working through shit and putting to bed other shit and now there's this money crap that needs to be dealt with and ugh. I'm still... transitional. I'm still going to get it, but definitely once things settle out and down and I have a handle, direction and place in life again. That could be this fall. That could be this time next year. That could be the fall after that. I don't know. We'll see.
Also thinking of doing a big list of 100 things I want to accomplish in the next 10 years, just as a sort of eye towards finally developing some long term planning skills. Not exactly a bucket list, but yeah. Where do I want to be at age 41.5? What do I want to have done by then? Ten years becomes shorter and shorter of a space of time as you get older... but I definitely want to feel a lot better about how I spent my 30s than I did and still do about my 20s, which in a lot of ways feel very... squandered. I know, the more I talk to people about that the more I realize everyone kinda feels that way unless you're one of those people that did manage to miraculously Get It young, but that's less common than they'd have you believe. Wish I'd known that sooner, though knowing what I'm like, I doubt that would make me feel any less behind in the game of life. (Not the game of lice. Typos are fun.)
I started my last musing on this with a quote from The Princess Bride, Wesley's last spoken line. Inigo Montoya's realizing that now that he's accomplished the goal he spent twenty years of his life focusing on, he has no idea what's next. I can relate to that pretty hardcore right now... and I'm realizing oddly enough, that I'm at the right age for that sort of thing, not behind the game. Hell, to draw out the paralell, Inigo is exactly 31 in the movie. I don't know. I don't feel like I accomplished anything gigantic, like avenging my father's murder, but there's still that sense of one book closing and another opening, and being in charge, for once, of how the story goes from here. I guess I'm still waiting for a signpost, or someone to suggest piracy to me as a life direction, or something, but as the last of the ex-relationship BS gets laid to rest bit by bit (and I'm still not completely through that either) I admit, it's kinda nice to have a wide open compass available to me. Once I get my damn feet under me enough to pick a direction and walk, anyway.
Which is kinda my goal for today. Well working towards that anyway. Wish me luck.
Yeah, it's the needs vs wants thing again. But yeah, today especially I want to see what I need to do to get myself taken care of - financially, emotionally, medically - and trying to shy away from the attitude that everything will fix itself once the finances stop being stupid (it won't, seeing as the finances and the health are intertwined). Also need to pretty much focus on getting my big girl panties on and taking care of business on a few fronts, but also to cut myself the appropriate slack if I don't have the spoons to get it all tied up today cause beating myself up about things isn't going to help get it done any faster. Process, not quick fix. Need to remember that. Also have to try to stay positive about fixing my own mess and keeping on top of it. Being responsible for myself isn't a bad thing. Really. It's honestly not the worst thing in the world to have to be the kind of princess that gets her own ass down from the tower. Sitting in it being pissed at other princesses being pretty and helpless and getting rescued and taken care of without having to do a blessed thing isn't getting me out of the tower any faster. And I can hate those other princesses just as hard when I get on the ground, you know?
I found myself thinking about my second planned tattoo yesterday on the way back from Boston and being a little sad that I didn't manage to get it when I wanted to. I was supposed to get it done when I came home, when I returned to the Valley, kind of bracketing my experience of self-imposed exile and return. Thing is, when I did get back I wasn't actually ready. I'm still not ready now, I don't feel like the "This" in This too shall pass" has actually passed yet. I'm still working through shit and putting to bed other shit and now there's this money crap that needs to be dealt with and ugh. I'm still... transitional. I'm still going to get it, but definitely once things settle out and down and I have a handle, direction and place in life again. That could be this fall. That could be this time next year. That could be the fall after that. I don't know. We'll see.
Also thinking of doing a big list of 100 things I want to accomplish in the next 10 years, just as a sort of eye towards finally developing some long term planning skills. Not exactly a bucket list, but yeah. Where do I want to be at age 41.5? What do I want to have done by then? Ten years becomes shorter and shorter of a space of time as you get older... but I definitely want to feel a lot better about how I spent my 30s than I did and still do about my 20s, which in a lot of ways feel very... squandered. I know, the more I talk to people about that the more I realize everyone kinda feels that way unless you're one of those people that did manage to miraculously Get It young, but that's less common than they'd have you believe. Wish I'd known that sooner, though knowing what I'm like, I doubt that would make me feel any less behind in the game of life. (Not the game of lice. Typos are fun.)
I started my last musing on this with a quote from The Princess Bride, Wesley's last spoken line. Inigo Montoya's realizing that now that he's accomplished the goal he spent twenty years of his life focusing on, he has no idea what's next. I can relate to that pretty hardcore right now... and I'm realizing oddly enough, that I'm at the right age for that sort of thing, not behind the game. Hell, to draw out the paralell, Inigo is exactly 31 in the movie. I don't know. I don't feel like I accomplished anything gigantic, like avenging my father's murder, but there's still that sense of one book closing and another opening, and being in charge, for once, of how the story goes from here. I guess I'm still waiting for a signpost, or someone to suggest piracy to me as a life direction, or something, but as the last of the ex-relationship BS gets laid to rest bit by bit (and I'm still not completely through that either) I admit, it's kinda nice to have a wide open compass available to me. Once I get my damn feet under me enough to pick a direction and walk, anyway.
Which is kinda my goal for today. Well working towards that anyway. Wish me luck.
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-01 02:20 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-06-01 07:41 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-06-01 07:49 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-06-01 08:32 pm (UTC)From:I do a yearly list like thing, according to my age. So for my 25th birthday (last week) I wrote a 26 before 26 list (26 things i want to do before i turn 26). Its surprisingly hard to write, but its awesome to focus my year or whatever on a few things.