anagram of brat

I have to interrupt the usual stream of silliness and bitching, y'all. It's been a long ass while since something on the news has fucked with me this badly and I'm having all kinds of FEELINGS about it, which is one in a bunch of reasons why I'm not dead asleep right now.

This is going to get long and nasty and thorny and opinionated, and I highly suspect some folk are going to squirm/be triggered/get pissed at me reading it. I'm not cutting it. I'm only barely feeling considerate enough to place a trigger warning in the title. Deal. Or scroll.

So let's talk about this kid for a minute:



This is 17 year old Trayvon Martin. He was shot and killed in Florida on February 26 while walking to a 7-11 to get some candy for his brother. Why? According to the man that shot him, "he looked suspicious." ...Uh huh. I'm totally paraphrasing, by the way, his actual words were far more... chilling is the wrong word, but it's all I've got. No I'm not quoting them, google it.

Earlier this evening police released 911 audio of eight calls made at the time of the shooting. After reading the description of their contents here, I've opted to not listen. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I'm having enough trouble sleeping this evening. The description is enough to have me in some ugly tears.

I wouldn't say there is enough coverage of this out there by way of Twitter, blogs and the news, because there isn't, and frankly, there never is when a kid of color dies. (Pretty confident a lot of you are hearing about this for the first time via this post.) However, most of what I could say about this has been said by people far better at this whole expressing outrage and grief on the internet than I am. The #TrayvonMartin hashtag on twitter pretty much covers it, as well as completely breaks my heart six ways from Sunday.

I will say this though. Between this case, this kid's picture (he don't look like anybody's 17, I'm sorry), all the points people have brought up about the (non)value of black boys in our supposedly post-racial society, looking at the way my sisters and friends of color raise their kids, especially their sons, and all the things I hated but completely understood about how my ex used to behave as a large black man in a 90% white public? I think I'm finally okay with not having children in this lifetime, because this is all shit I would have to deal with and worry about every single day as a Black mother, and y'all... I can't even. I don't know how some of you deal with this and still manage to let your boys out of your sight to live their lives, knowing that they run the VERY FUCKING REAL risk of having their LIVES ENDED for having the audacity to walk down a street in a way that upset someone paler than they are, and 9 times out of 10, said pale person wouldn't catch jack shit for it. Because this isn't an isolated incident, y'all. I wish it was, but this shit's been happening almost every day since most of us brown folk got dragged here in chains. And you know what? It's pretty fucking rough just dealing with that day in and day out, just knowing if you slip up and take a shortcut through the wrong town at the wrong time,* it'll cost you in at best harassment, at worst grievous bodily harm, possibly including death. All because you happen to be somewhat more sun-resistant than Freckle McBlonderson over there. And then add the fact that you have to worry about your kids as well? Ffffffffuuuuuuucccccccck.

Y'all who never have to worry about this shit as you raise your kids? Give some serious fervent thanks to whatever power you hold dear that you don't, cause it sucks. And I'm not going to lie, tonight I resent your privilege in this department more than a little bit. Nope, no exceptions, sorry, I'm not writing any Black Friend Passes today and just as a heads up, the window may remain closed at least through the weekend. Too upset, and fuck you if you don't get why.

I'm not at all optimistic about there being any kind of positive outcome in this case, and it is almost a moot point because even if key people managed to get their collective heads out of their asses and some kind of legal justice was served, Trayvon is still horribly, senselessly dead. The media and the Internet being what they are, his death won't necessarily spark nearly enough outrage to really change anything either because in order to get people outside of the niche that is, say, #blacktwitter to give a shit about black boys dying, some white guys have to make a video about it and make it go viral. Bonus if they then get busted for drug use and public masturbation. That's what makes people pay attention. One sweet-faced teenager just getting his brother some candy and getting shot for his trouble? Well like I sad, Trayvon died on the 26th of February. Why did it take twenty damn days for this to get widespread press? Shit.

All I want to do right now is hug the stuffing out of my nephews and tell them I love them. And cry buckets that it's still so fucked up out there that shit like this can still happen and no one'll say boo, and even if someone does? deaf ears.

Wellp. Until next time, folks. Sadly, there will be one.



* seriously, look up "sundown towns" and "The Green Book" sometime. You'll learn stuff.

I didn't bother blacking out either of my sites - I get so little traffic to either that it would be about as useful as an OccupyPainfullyLiberalCollegeTown protest around here. But I am watching the internet today with a fair amount of interest.

One thing that's caught my attention is a surprising amount of backlash against Wikipedia. Seriously, go check out the #wtfwikipedia tag. Lots of kids bitching about not being able to get their homework done, and as a friend of mine pointed out, the closer the deadline, the more capital letters and vitriol used.

This amuses me for many reasons. a) you DO have other resources other than wikipedia for research. Pick up a book, maybe. Support your local library. Do an actual google search. It's not the end of the world. b) This SOPA/PIPA issue is waaaaaaay more important than your individual term paper, and if either go through you may lose Wikipedia for more than just today. WHAT WILL YOU DO THEN?! c) Wikipedia is still up in all languages other than English. So if you're not a "THIS IS AMERICA - SPEAK ENGLISH AND ONLY ENGLISH OR GTFO" sort of asshole and have the ability, either through learning at home or through language education, to read in another language, you can still get your shit done.

Sigh. People are dumb, y'all.

Anyway. Call your congresspeople (wikipedia has a little form where you punch in your zip code and it gives you a list), or if you're lazy and don't like the phone, sign the Google petition. Meanwhile I may have to cope with the lack of reddit today by actually getting something productive done. Horror of horrors.

...you know, I think I've finally found a subgenre of electronica I actually dislike. And y'all know I like everything.

Also wtf.

Now that I have your attention, a completely boring post! Seriously, it will have absolutely no yiffing in it.

The events of the past couple weeks have kinda brought my attention to exactly how much I have NOT been taking care of myself lately. I would say that a fair amount of this has, quite frankly, stemmed from simply not being able to afford to, but considering when I do have money I tend to spend it on crap, that's not entirely true. But yeah, I'd kind of been taking the attitude that self-maintenance and care would get taken care of when the money situation got resolved, and one thing that I realized while dealing with the various medical dramas lately is that if I'm not taking care of myself first, the rest of this shit just plain isn't going to happen. A nice example of this was me nearly shooting to pieces late yesterday, not least of which because I'd of course forgotten to really eat anything all day.

Yeah, no.

So I've been shifting my priorities some to self-focus a bit, and it's been helping. Trying not to stress too much, eat something regularly (and not just starch/carbs), drink more water and less coffee, rest when I need it. It seems to actually working some when I stick to it. Despite last week and yesterday's meltdown of sorts, overall I've been focusing somewhat better, getting something instead of nothing done, and just more able to deal with shit. Seems to be a step in the right direction, anyway.

And now off to find some lunch and start the near sentient mountain of laundry mocking me from the corner.

Good news:
Had a good, productive workday. Rediscovered for the umpteenth time that music really is the key to keeping my brain on task and functioning, pulling me out of depressive funks, and getting things done. So I am putting a call out to anyone who feels like giving me a hand in the mental health department; if it seems like I'm feeling a little off, unable to function/concentrate, or having some serious emo b'awws, tell me to go put on iTunes. If you feel like totally being a bitch about it, check my last.fm profile (username kjpepper) and make sure I've done so.

Bad news:
Found out that Dad's in the hospital for severe anemia. Waiting on word regarding what's going on with that and trying to figure out if I need to dash down to New York this week as a result.

Good news:
I made chicken and potatoes. I seem to have this things where a whole potato seems a lot smaller than it actually is so I end up making too much.

Bad news:
I got distracted and left them in the oven a little long. THey're not burned or bad, just crispier than I intended.

Good news:
Despite upheaval and general mental wooblies and worrying about Dad, I did have a good, productive day

Bad news:
I am still behind on everything, overwhelmed by my ever present to-do lists, and generally feeling like a complete and utter failure at life right now.

Good news:
...but it's supposed to snow tomorrow. And there's Ladies Night tonight. And I have books. And someone who loves me. So I guess it ain't all bad, right?

...right?

Does anyone else have parent-instilled neuroses regarding laundry and the putting away thereof?

I didn't think I did until I noticed how insanely stressed out I get if cell23's shirts are not on a hangar while they're still hot from the dryer. Not warm, hot. As in within five minutes of the dryer stopping, preferably less. This is totally a childhood thing - my chore was pulling the household clothes out of the dryer, folding them and dumping the folded piles on the bed of whomever they belonged to for them to deal with afterward.* Except for Dad's shirts. Mom was very... insistent that they get shaken out and on hangers as soon as they were dry so she didn't have to iron them. And what do you know, that conditioning is back in full ragey force.

It totally makes sense that it hasn't come up before now considering this would be the first time since leaving home that any laundry I had to deal with on a regular basis included a fair amount of men's button down shirts. And I know it's all me, cause cell23 could give a rats ass when his shirts get hung. IDK, just a "whoa! where the fuck did this come from?" sort of moment, I guess. Well, at least I can defuse and ignore it from now on.

So. Anyone else? Or is it just me and Christina Crawford over here?


* this probably explains why to this day I utterly loathe the fold & put away stage of laundry. :P

Guys, The Guild is TERRIBLE. I just tried to watch it on Netflix with cell23, and man I've never cringed so much in 45 minutes before now and I think I need a double shot of vodka to deal with that mess. Seriously, any liking/respect for Felicia Day I had going from Dr. Horrible has been thoroughly canceled out in the space of an hour. "Date my avatar" was cute, but everything else out of this project makes me twitch on some visceral "what is wrong with you people" level.

Yeah, I'm done.

Fuck your so called "delicious cake."

a) the cake is and always was a goddamn LIE. Tired old meme or not, in this case it applies. Any cake there was to be had was mine and if anyone ran away with it giggling, it was you.

b) I don't need your goddamn vegan gluten free treehugging hippie cake, so roll it up, shove it up your ass and light it on fire. My dollar ninety nine betty crocker shit tastes so much better it's not even funny. But I'm sure that self-righteous smugma (not a typo) you and the others bukakked all over it by way of frosting tastes like... something.

c) "delicious cake" is another term for severely underage jailbait. Research your metaphors before using them.

Thank you, move along.

And no, I'm not explaining, so don't ask. No exceptions.

So yesterday I wrote out one of my infamous monster to-do lists not thinking that I'd get to any of it. WRONG. Hair was de-yarned, kids room and our room were cleaned, bed was taken apart and put back together, more stuff was unpacked, and I've started loading up the kids room with books. Also did all the laundry ever, etc etc etc.

I was ready to crash and burn around 6:30.

Before y'all ask, yes I did eat. But I've been pretty much going on this move since last Sunday like someone lit a firecracker under my ass. In 90+ degree heat most of the week. So I'm more than a little fried... my wrists/arms are killing me and my ankles have puffed up to twice their normal size for the first time since last summer. (that I'm a little wth about.) I pretty much had to tell cell23 last night to make me sit down and shut up if I tried to do anything strenuous today, which was probably a good thing to do because my brain is still all like YOU HAVE T-SHIRTS ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND YOUR BOOKS STILL ARENT UNPACKED YET AND ALL THE FLOORS NEED MOPPING CAUSE EVERYONES FEET TURN BLACK IF YOU RUN AROUND BAREFOOT IN HERE AND AUGGGGH. It's like I got space that I'm marginally in control of and I lost my shit. Okay, lol. But yeah, I'm going to be taking it easy and ignoring everyone in the head.

In less Andee has lost her mind news, we have the kids this weekend and so far they both seem to really like the new place a lot. It helps that it's laid out pretty similar to cell23's previous apartment, I think. I guess silver lining to crashing out early (I was pretty much out by 10) is being up now and not being cranky about it.

Should go make coffee now.

Posted on Freecycle this morning:

I am offering a desktop computer. it works but has a linux system installed not window xp or anything which is actually better as there are hardly any virus problems with linux based systems. So you may need a windows disk if your "scared of linux although it is similar and better and the drivers need to be installed and you either need a monitor or cables for the one I have. I would like this to go to a home that will use it for something useful like school. So let me know why you need it and will talk.

You know, I really have to add "snotty Linux users/Open Source devotees" to my list of Obnoxious People That Will All Die Horribly In A Fire In My New World Order, along with Fundamentalist Atheists, Bible-thumping Christians, Teabaggers, Above The Influence anti-drug campaigners and Twihards. Fanaticism really isn't cute, folks, and if you present your point of view as UR DOIN IT RONG that's really not going to win you any converts. Flies, honey, vinegar, cocks, hell.