anagram of brat

I had amazing day today up until 11pm when I turned on my phone after Burlesque (and four hours unplugged from the internet) and read the Zimmerman verdict.

FUCK.

I'ma just link to this post I wrote back in March of last year. I don't have any more words than that. Anger, sadness, resignation, frustration, the desire to hug my nephews (and I will next week when I see them) yes. Words? No.

My squee about the rest of the day can wait.

I have to interrupt the usual stream of silliness and bitching, y'all. It's been a long ass while since something on the news has fucked with me this badly and I'm having all kinds of FEELINGS about it, which is one in a bunch of reasons why I'm not dead asleep right now.

This is going to get long and nasty and thorny and opinionated, and I highly suspect some folk are going to squirm/be triggered/get pissed at me reading it. I'm not cutting it. I'm only barely feeling considerate enough to place a trigger warning in the title. Deal. Or scroll.

So let's talk about this kid for a minute:



This is 17 year old Trayvon Martin. He was shot and killed in Florida on February 26 while walking to a 7-11 to get some candy for his brother. Why? According to the man that shot him, "he looked suspicious." ...Uh huh. I'm totally paraphrasing, by the way, his actual words were far more... chilling is the wrong word, but it's all I've got. No I'm not quoting them, google it.

Earlier this evening police released 911 audio of eight calls made at the time of the shooting. After reading the description of their contents here, I've opted to not listen. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I'm having enough trouble sleeping this evening. The description is enough to have me in some ugly tears.

I wouldn't say there is enough coverage of this out there by way of Twitter, blogs and the news, because there isn't, and frankly, there never is when a kid of color dies. (Pretty confident a lot of you are hearing about this for the first time via this post.) However, most of what I could say about this has been said by people far better at this whole expressing outrage and grief on the internet than I am. The #TrayvonMartin hashtag on twitter pretty much covers it, as well as completely breaks my heart six ways from Sunday.

I will say this though. Between this case, this kid's picture (he don't look like anybody's 17, I'm sorry), all the points people have brought up about the (non)value of black boys in our supposedly post-racial society, looking at the way my sisters and friends of color raise their kids, especially their sons, and all the things I hated but completely understood about how my ex used to behave as a large black man in a 90% white public? I think I'm finally okay with not having children in this lifetime, because this is all shit I would have to deal with and worry about every single day as a Black mother, and y'all... I can't even. I don't know how some of you deal with this and still manage to let your boys out of your sight to live their lives, knowing that they run the VERY FUCKING REAL risk of having their LIVES ENDED for having the audacity to walk down a street in a way that upset someone paler than they are, and 9 times out of 10, said pale person wouldn't catch jack shit for it. Because this isn't an isolated incident, y'all. I wish it was, but this shit's been happening almost every day since most of us brown folk got dragged here in chains. And you know what? It's pretty fucking rough just dealing with that day in and day out, just knowing if you slip up and take a shortcut through the wrong town at the wrong time,* it'll cost you in at best harassment, at worst grievous bodily harm, possibly including death. All because you happen to be somewhat more sun-resistant than Freckle McBlonderson over there. And then add the fact that you have to worry about your kids as well? Ffffffffuuuuuuucccccccck.

Y'all who never have to worry about this shit as you raise your kids? Give some serious fervent thanks to whatever power you hold dear that you don't, cause it sucks. And I'm not going to lie, tonight I resent your privilege in this department more than a little bit. Nope, no exceptions, sorry, I'm not writing any Black Friend Passes today and just as a heads up, the window may remain closed at least through the weekend. Too upset, and fuck you if you don't get why.

I'm not at all optimistic about there being any kind of positive outcome in this case, and it is almost a moot point because even if key people managed to get their collective heads out of their asses and some kind of legal justice was served, Trayvon is still horribly, senselessly dead. The media and the Internet being what they are, his death won't necessarily spark nearly enough outrage to really change anything either because in order to get people outside of the niche that is, say, #blacktwitter to give a shit about black boys dying, some white guys have to make a video about it and make it go viral. Bonus if they then get busted for drug use and public masturbation. That's what makes people pay attention. One sweet-faced teenager just getting his brother some candy and getting shot for his trouble? Well like I sad, Trayvon died on the 26th of February. Why did it take twenty damn days for this to get widespread press? Shit.

All I want to do right now is hug the stuffing out of my nephews and tell them I love them. And cry buckets that it's still so fucked up out there that shit like this can still happen and no one'll say boo, and even if someone does? deaf ears.

Wellp. Until next time, folks. Sadly, there will be one.



* seriously, look up "sundown towns" and "The Green Book" sometime. You'll learn stuff.

This is gonna be one of those entries where I lose friends on all sides of the spectrum. SO BE IT.

( RANTING AHOY. Considering it's regarding the PA Dickwolves drama, triggery like whoa )

ETA: non friend commentary screened. I'm not interested in outside wankery on this.

ETA2: ehh never mind i just locked the post from further comments. I realize thats probably going to piss folk off moar and violates my usual policy of encouraging people to tell me when i'm wrong, but upon thinking about it, i realize i don't have my usual level of trollface and popcorn interest in seeing which of my friends are on what side (i'm pretty sure i know where y'all stand by now) and having you cockfight it out. Also, this is the blue moon occasion where i'm off the fence i usually ride like a prize stallion and am pretty solid in how i feel about it. For whatever its worth, it seems like a flounce/chickenshit/fuck you move even to me, lol. But whatever. Its not like if you really want to talk to me about this you don't know where and how to get a hold of me. I just dont want to do it here. Interpret that as you will, i suppose.

Fuck your so called "delicious cake."

a) the cake is and always was a goddamn LIE. Tired old meme or not, in this case it applies. Any cake there was to be had was mine and if anyone ran away with it giggling, it was you.

b) I don't need your goddamn vegan gluten free treehugging hippie cake, so roll it up, shove it up your ass and light it on fire. My dollar ninety nine betty crocker shit tastes so much better it's not even funny. But I'm sure that self-righteous smugma (not a typo) you and the others bukakked all over it by way of frosting tastes like... something.

c) "delicious cake" is another term for severely underage jailbait. Research your metaphors before using them.

Thank you, move along.

And no, I'm not explaining, so don't ask. No exceptions.

This is more of a sure, what the hell sort of thing rather than an actual sort of gimme gimme gimme list. I don't really need things this Christmas, in fact the older I get the more hard pressed I am to think of things that I want when people ask me. Part of me thinks the very idea of this meme is appallingly self-indulgent and kinda first-world privilegey, but at the same time...

Lets put it this way, and this is something I've learned the hard way, and am in some ways still in the process of learning. Sometimes everything you could possibly desire can be yours for the taking and keeping, but all that stands between you and having it is the courage to even want said item, let alone ask for it. And we won't even get into the idea of deserving whatever it is - look. I see people get what they want every damn day that I don't feel deserve it... and yet I spend an appalling amount of time feeling like I don't deserve a lot of what I already have, let alone what I want. So for now... I'm going to fuck self-indulgent in the ear and do this.

Step One:

Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two

Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use -- or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free -- do it. Once a wish has been granted, it will be crossed off the list. (ETA: Unless it's something more than one person can do.)

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf -- to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not -- it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just ... wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

My Ten Wish Items

1) I am supremely bad about reaching out to folks, whether its for help or for hangouts. A lot of it is because despite my demeanor I'm a stupid shy person and also have this constant feeling of being a bother to people. Also? Lazy. So if you feel like you haven't seen me for a while, drop me a line of some sort and be all like "Hey! I haven't seen you for a while. Can we hang out/do something/blah blah blah?" and if not today, when? And make sure I actually either get up off my ass or make a date to go out with/come see you. Like nag me until I put it into my google calendar and shit. Cause if we leave it open ended it ain't gonna happen.

2) The obligatory pimping of my Amazon Wish lists, freshly ranked by priority. Like seriously anything ranked highest right now will probably earn you undying love and a permanent place in my pantheon of terrestrial divinity.

3) A couple things that are not on that list... Because we alternated who got to buy the next books in any book series we were collecting, I decided it would be easier if Carole just took all of the hardcover volumes of Kushiel's Legacy and Harry Potter we had collected over the years. With the exception of Kushiel's Dart, I now have none of them in my library and would dearly love to fix this someday. (ETA: Actually I just remembered that over Thanksgiving I swiped the random extra copy of Goblet of Fire that was lying around Dad's since it came out. It might have been Mom's.) Trouble is finding these guys in hardcover these days is a little tricky, and I love both series enough to want them in something a little more durable than mass market paperback. Also, two other series I'm hurting for since the breakup are Octavia Butler's Xenogenesis series, Simon Green's Forest Kingdom/Hawk and Fisher novels, Garth Nix's Sabriel/Lirael/Abhorsen and Lois McMaster Bujold's Vorkosigan Saga, but those are okay in paperback. I've started re-collecting the Vorkosigan Saga - have up to Miles, Mystery and Mayhem.

4) Windows 7, or at least someone brave enough to take me through backing up my shit, wiping my hard drive, and reinstalling XP on EPeen. He's running slower and slower these days and considering he's got 4 gigs of ram in there that is unacceptable, especially since at some point I want to play like, actual games on him again. While we're at computer stuff, I could sorely use printer ink as well. (ETA: I have an Epson Stylus C84.)

5) I'm still slowly getting the hang of staying on top of my money and by that I mean I am at the point where I'm still failing at it. Well not totally, everything's more or less getting paid only a little late. Omnipresent student loan debt aside (I'm going to be paying that shit off until I die at this rate) I'm about 7.5K in the hole on top of my usual paycheck to paycheck shit. I know that seems like a piddling amount of debt considering some of the horror stories I've heard with people racking up tens of thousands. But yeah... this has been the most expensive year of my life, and yeah, I probably could have handled my money better in the past few years, but I'm still shitty at it by myself. So yeah. I has a paypal account at kjpepper @ gmail, feel free to throw anything you want to throw in there.

6) A camera tripod and possibly a better zoom lens. (ETA: The Hatemonger is a Nikon D40.) I fully intend on working on photography next year (thinking about actually doing that picture a day thing in 2010), and having the tripod would help a LOT.

7) Handwritten letters. I LOVE being written to. Cards, postcards, pages long rambles about life the universe and everything... I miss getting letters, and nothing makes me happier than getting a piece of mail that doesn't involve someone trying to sign me up for a credit card or a bill. And you want to join that illustrious club of Good Mail along with Netflix and EW, don't you? And yes, I WILL write you back. Address is in this post; if you can't see it, drop me an email at bottledgoose at gmail.

8) Make me a "mixtape." I've got accounts at last.fm and blip, and I may cave in and sign up for iLike too so feel free to make me a playlist, or make me a youtube playlist and send me a link. Or come over to my house with a thumbdrive full of stuff to plunk onto my iPod. As someone who tends to slave and obsess over any sort of music concoction I brew for other people, I promise I will listen to every song. Also I accept the more traditional CDs or tapes, seeing as I have means to play both at home and in the car. Seriously, some of my more treasured things are CDs and tapes people have made me over the years.

9) I guess since I've run out of Things I Want that are even remotely grantable I guess this is where I can go absolutely ridiculous, huh? Well, my dream house is still on the market, and it's come down by $400K, so its now available for the totally affordable price of $900K. Plus tax. Just sayin! ;)

10) Okay but seriously now? One ridiculous fucked up out there wish? $15K. There is something I want pretty terribly that costs about that much, and I don't think there is any way in Satan's warm and spicy hell I'll ever be able to scrape it all up at once in any kind of timely manner even if I eat nothing but Maruchan Insta-noodles for the next five years. (speaking of which, what the hell, they don't make the cheese flavors of it anymore? I used to love that shit.) And no, it's not a new car i love my Hanzo-san DON'T BLASPHEME. And it's not a new pair of tits, or several kilos of premium cocaine, or a diamond studded ass plug or platinum corsets designed by Haus of Gaga for my AG dolls, though those ideas would all be hilarious. Trust me on this.

</self-indulgent holiday stuff>


On unrelated notes, I had a very good weekend. This may or may not have had something to do with spending the majority of it with cell23, though goddamn having a still healing mouth thing is incredibly frustrating as hell for not being able to do... certain things. Oh well, the meds I got on Friday certainly seem to be helping with that, even if wth, I haven't had to take sickeningly sweet liquid medicine by the teaspoonful since I was Kidzilla's age. I don't know, I feel like once you get all your permanent teeth all your meds are belong to us should have the decency to come in pill format. And barring that, at least be a level of gross-tasting befitting advanced years. Oh well. It's working, despite the menthol cherry horribleness. Should be kissable again in a day or two. :)

In other news, freezing rain. D: here's hoping I'll be okay for the drive in tomorrow. Oh well, if not, I'll get interviewed by aersi. Not a bad trade...

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Oh man, major stupid problem in my relationships. That whole fear of confrontation/ridicule thing. That said, I think the two major things going currently were dealt with over a bottle of vodka and a flask of Jameson's on Friday. I don't think they're _done_, but the prospect of dealing with either issue sober is a little less daunting now.

As for my most recent exes... opportunity long gone. In the seemingly interminable process of putting to bed the things left unsaid so they don't rise up to bite me in the ass in the future.... mostly by having the conversations I would have liked to have in the car on my way to/from work (thanks for the tip, there, nounsandverbs).

Point the first: Macbeth is one of my favorite movies. I also really like Rosemary's Baby.

Point the second: Roman Polanski raped a child.

I am completely confused by how some people apparently fail to understand that Point the First neither negates nor excuses Point the Second and seem to think that because the man directed some pretty good movies he somehow doesn't need to get his old crinkly baby-sodomizing ass back over here to get thrown under the damn jail where he rightly belongs.

I also feel really hard for Samantha Geimer, having to be continually haunted by this 32 years later. I don't blame her at all for wanting this over and done with to the point of asking Los Angeles to drop the matter and allow her to move on with her life... there's really only so long and so much you can keep tearing old wounds open like that. I suppose luckily for her, she doesn't have to go through a criminal trial again, considering the man was tried, convicted and admitted it, but I'm sure the renewed media interest is just as bad. I suppose you could say something about justice being served, but in a lot of ways, it's too late for that. The man's been on the run for 32 years. Maybe someday that won't feel like so much time to me, but right now that's my whole life and then some... I don't know. Speaking from a deeply personal place (and a lot of you know why and where) that feels way beyond a day late and a dollar short, that feels like complete and utter FAIL. Honestly if I were in her place, I'd be all "yeah that's nice, good for you" and golf clapping, cause after three goddamn decades of letting this guy nance around free to do his own thing, I don't think him finally being taken into custody would do a blessed thing for me. But I'm not Samantha Geimer. Maybe she will get some kind of closure out of this... you know, if they don't find some legal loophole that sets him free to wander Europe with his golfing buddy Pedobear.

(Completely aside, I now not only have "We Like To Party" firmly stuck in my head, but I also have this image of Mr. Polanski and Pedobear getting out of the Six Flags bus and dancing to it. Certainly puts a twisted on MORE FLAGS! MORE FUN!)

All that said, I'm probably a bad person for this, but I'm getting a fair amount of sick lulz out of Woody Allen petitioning to have Polanski freed. ...Really?

People are idiots.