anagram of brat

Apparently in addition to it being Fuck You Friday, it's also Shit On Everyone I Know Including Me Day as well. Between this morning's panic attack, realizing exactly (like with actual numbers and everything) how fucked in the wallet I am right now and will be at least until the new year, having several friends get super horrid news, getting some rather annoying news myself (long story short, Hanzo-san is staying home for the weekend at least), and having a major ex-relationship trigger set off in the booj I am amazed I'm sitting here being just angry and stressed about it all instead of cowering in a corner bawling my eyes out.

I'm fine, I'll get through this. But you know, one of these days it would be nice if every mistake I made in the last decade or so didn't rise up to bite me in the ass on the same damn day. JUST SAYING.

On the other hand it wasn't all bad today. I got to go with anothermurray to Dakin this afternoon and have a prolonged OMGKITTEHSSQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! moment. There was a magnificent large male orange cat that could very well have been Valentino's temperamental younger brother... but really my attention was quite taken with the two tortie long haired kittens in separate cages that climbed the bars and vocally demanded lovins, one of whom got out of her cage and went zipping across the floor when a volunteer opened it to clean it out. She got scooped up by another volunteer who later needed to not be holding her so he could go talk to anothermurray and asked if I'd like to hold onto her while the cage was being finished up.

No I didn't bring her home (did I mention fucked in the wallet?) But it was a very near miss, cause she was purry and hyperactive and hilariously clumsy and FUZZY oh my god. When I put her down she spent ten or so minutes attacking everything in her cage and falling off her box in the most hilariously clumsy fashion possible. Eeee. Someone's going to love the stuffing out of her soon. But I'm glad she was there to make me feel a little better today.

Still need to do something about the raging headache, and squeeze some more productivity out of my day. I may spend tonight chugging caffiene and angstily watching Netflix movies/Torchwood/Sons of Anarchy while I yarn up my head. a) I wanna look a little less like Buckwheat for aersi&verbena76's wedding, and b) the last thing I need to be worrying about in the next few weeks is my goddamn hair. Man, some days I miss my dreadlocks.

just because I don't want to be the only one having nightmares tonight:



I'm amused and pleased as hell to see Mr. Homey D. included here. And why is Pennywise Jesus?



In other news, still crampy and quite frankly dead depressed, despite delicious buffalo burgers. captainlove needs to come over and abuse our kitchen more often.

Quote of the night: "Being tough is not a blessing. But it beats the hell out of being a pussy."

And on that note, bath and bed.

This song, especially that line, pretty much sums up my state of mind right now. Not so much the specifics, but definitely the whole "FML!!" balanced with "Everything's gonna be alright" (and not really in any state of mind to believe that).



point of trivia, Treach once accidentally elbowed my sister in the mouth during a pickup game of street ball. Should have seen the size her lip blew up to. He sounds so young here... course, this was 18 years ago.

Shit I'm old... And I'm just getting older. FML.

Terrible days often have lessons buried in all this shit, and my day yesterday between 11am and 4:30pm was terrible. In fact, with a few moments of exception, I could venture it was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, but considering that title kinda goes by default to the three times I've ended up in the Cooley Dickonson emergency room with the near death experience du jour, I won't go there. Yesterday was merely terrible and due to an argument I'm currently having with the girlparts I suspect partially hormonally fuelled in its horror.

Anyway, lessons taken from yesterday.

1) For the love of god, drink water like a camel attempting a cross-Saharan jog before ANY doctor's appointment and for good measure guzzle down a large coffee chased with red bull. Anything to raise the goddamn blood volume and pressure so it doesn't take two visits to the lab and four needlesticks to get ONE vial of blood. My left wrist is still sore from all the needle wiggling that was done.

2) I have a bell curve of emotional hyperdrive. There's the slow smolder at the beginning, which as shit gets worse flowers into full blown hysteria. Once the hysteria stage is reached, the LEAST helpful thing for me is kindness, fawning, sympathy and all around being nice to me. I lost it in the phlebotamists chair because I was freaking out about having to do this again after my day had already gone to shit, and she was being NICE to me and I ended up bawling myself to headacheland and telling her exactly why my day had melted down. This did not help. This was embarrassing. What did help was sixswordsamurai asking why the hell I had such a stick up my ass and to get the hell over myself. Which I then said, oh, yeah, okay, scrubbed off my face and got on with my day.

Note, hugs and love and crap? yes please, this is all good and welcome and encouraged usually. Don't be an ass just cause I'm in a bad mood. But if I'm blubbering incoherently like a three year old? Slap some sense into me.

3) it used to take me exactly 20 minutes to get over anything. This has telescoped into 3 hours. This has to be fixed. Gods.

4) La Veracruzana remains more tasty than Bueno y sano. Slightly cheaper too.

5) I actually CAN function when everything feels like it's coming down around my ears, but don't expect me to be a ray of fucking sunshine while doing so. I will be surly, quiet, and occasionally bitchy and will probably want to be left the hell alone (but ask first, as this is not always true), but shit will get done if it absolutely has to. I'm frankly grimly impressed about that.

Anyway, there were good things about pre-4:30 too. Cara and I have a place, once I manage to amass the requisite first last security blah blah blah schmoo, which I will be doing my damnedest to completely tie up on Monday. We're in the ass end of Lantern Court, which I'm pleased about for various and sundry reasons (close to 91, not a closet, proximity to things like Squillage people, Dunks, blah blah blah). Ran into myburningviolin in Amherst. Must hang with her more when I get back. And I have ways of dealing with the ankle swelling (when it comes back, it of course comepletely disappeared when I arrived up here) and the odd spots I had been getting across both thighs. Or at least I will when I get the will to drag myself back down to Amherst to pick up the scripts. Yippee.

The day improved muchly once I got back to Sunderland after the day's various clusterfuckage. First there was running into lysscat and arcenciel13, and cute girls in cute swimsuits are always a pick me up. I then went to visit aersi and verbena76, and between shooting the shit with both of them and being used as a human throne by Bean (who pretty much plopped himself in my lap and gave me the WORSHIP ME HAIRLESS MONKEY look) my spirits were much improved, if not my brain function (as heralded by me forgetting BOTH Preciousssss and cell phone - wtf, Andee.) Course brain function was not improved by party over at Deva/Lock/Thumper House welcoming smatterknack back, though considering how much Baileys I'd drunk by the end of the night, I'm actually amazed at how sober I actually was by the end of it. I was more sleepy than drunk at that point. I think I also may have been press-ganged into joining the Vampire larp when it starts up again... not sure how that happened, but I'm actually rather seriously considering it.

Oh speaking of the party, if anyone is friends with me on Facebook, please go read the comments to the pedobear cake picture and let me know if I effectively dodged having to explain Pedobear to my aunt, roflmao. You know the rest of my family I don't really keep up with enough or they know me well enough for me to not care about most of the crap I do/say on there, but for some reason my mom's sister joins up and I'm suddenly compelled to straighten up and act my age and shit. But still, her comments on that picture are lulzy.

Considering the apartment stuff is pretty much all sewn up at this point, after Monday I'm pretty much left with a wide open week. Actually, the fair majority of today and tomorrow is open as well. I do plan on getting work done with a lot of that time, but it's kinda nice to know I won't have to be running around like a chicken with no head the whole time I'm in town. Honestly, I think I need the downtime, as my mood hasn't entirely de-wonkified and I do rather want to finish reading Invisible Monsters, as cell23 is a bad man and has hooked me on Chuck Palahniuk. I'm kind of in the exact headspace to really enjoy his stuff, sick as that sounds. But I'm also willing to take lysscat's advice and use some Tom Robbins as an antidote when my mood shifts, lol.

The compulsion to write is slowly crawling up my spine... I only have to hold it off for another couple weeks, it's fine...

[Error: unknown template qotd]

Probably give half of it to People and Things (mostly medical) I don't know - breast and ovarian cancer, epilepsy, diabetes, the CCFA, MADD, the Dakin Shelter, Smith (earmarked for Grant and the organs, since he never gets any money), various community programs around my neighborhood... if there's any left over, i'd love to give the rest of it to the group that's trying to save the Loews Kings theater. It's time Flatbush had something like that around again.

The other half probably to People I Do Know, but I'm not going to list them so as not to forget anyone, cause drama, what have you. Lets just say I know quite a few people who could use a bailout.


Today goes on the list for Days I Want Compensation For if there's some sort of reckoning of such things at the end. It wasn't particularly awful for any one reason, but I woke up still achy from the past few days, and as the day progress ended up falling into a funk of headnoise and self doubt/pity/hatred, and watching The Duchess didn't help this. Do not be fooled by Kiera Knightley's smile and beautiful corsets, that movie is depressing. Or at least it depressed the fuck out of me. Between that and the internet dying around the same time, I finally just said fuck this and went back to bed, ended up sleeping through the afternoon. Woke up at least feeling physically better, if not relieved of the self-doubt/pity/hatred monsters.

I hope tonight will be better. It may have to be assisted with either South Park (just started season 9!) or stompy electropop. I'm not sure which. I have been on a serious And One jag lately.

I kinda wish I could downgrade Firefox back from 3.5. I know eventually most sites will catch up to the new standards, but I'm getting rather annoyed at complete twitter.com breakage, not to mention the bit where the tag cloud on the side of my LJ being a tag list... it's a little thing, but man, it's annoying as fuck all.

Feel gross.

Too much work.

T-storms.

Screw it, staying home today.

ETA: and the internet's been wonky all morning to boot. FML.

Well, that wasn't the worst 12 hours of my life, but it's up there. Food poisoning sucks.

Better now, but I don't think I'll be eating anything until tomorrow.

in sight, tying the loose ones, and making them meet... yeah, that's pretty much the theme of the day.

It's been a long exhausting stressful day, and there are miles to go before I stop. Like seriously, I'm not going to get back to Brooklyn until 2am. At least I will get there - there was a while today where I was afraid I wouldn't, which is why cell23 and Cara are my personal Lords and Saviors today.

This is the last time I'm going to get assraped by my own money stupidity. Like for serious, full on Scarlett O'Hara "as god is my witness" and everything. I spent the morning over at BoA and Umass5 seeing what I can get done about the crap eating me and whatever crap I try to save alive. As an aside, my credit score? not horrible. I mean, it ain't great either, but I was expecting it to be completely fucked up. Instead it's rather squarely average, much to my pleasant surprise. Maybe I will own property at some point in my life, lolz. Anyway, while this did nothing for the shit stressing me today specifically, I am pleased to report that before I return to MA my credit card will have a zero balance, and the last loose end between me and sundart will be tied up. Cause you know... I'd rather owe Umass 5 money than either of them right now. That said, if anyone in the valley has to deal with Bank of Assrape-ica? Go to the main Street branch and ask for Tom. I've dealt with him on and off since my account was with Bay Bank, and he is fantastic.

So yeah, money blows right now. Thankfully, it will not blow for very long, but this is sort of the final dose of chakabuku needed for me to really fucking do something about it. Cause this shit? no. No no no no no. And how about a big load of no? I don't need this kind of stress. So yeah, money was pretty much the entire FML part of my day. Oh that, and missing the 5pm bus to NY. Hence the above bit about not getting to Brooklyn until 2am. It might be even later, depending on traffic. And the real bitch? I don't want to leave at all. Have I mentioned FML?

Too much heat and driving today, and I am dead tired right now and cranky and well nigh ready to never go near a steering wheel again. (We will be dead asleep on the entire bus ride down, Preciousssss.) But there is some good news, and the driving was in a very good cause. (BTW - I set the odometer in the Yaris when I rented it - I drove 385 miles this week!) It looks indeed like Cara and I will either end up in Lantern (though not, hilariously, in the unit across from cell23), or in an adorable 2nd floor place in a house on Meadow Street. No Gunpoint, lol. I'm kinda leaning towards the place on meadow, as it's convenient for both of our nefarious porpoises, but for obvious reasons wouldn't mind Lantern either. So we're putting in our applications for both. (Lance @ Kamins, btw? Great guy.) The Meadow Street house is open Sep 1, Lantern could go either way. So we'll see. But it's a step closer to me coming the hell back home, and that's enough to make it... i don't know. Real? Real enough. There's an end in sight, and that's what matters to me. I'll be back where I belong by the fall, which, considering I still think in school terms, has always felt like the beginning of the year anyway, so it all feels rather appropriately timed.

I don't know... this trip in particular was such a mixed bag of good and bad, and there was just no in between anywhere, the bits that were good were very very good, and the bits that were bad... ugh. There was a point or two just today where I very nearly ended up in tears. But for all that... again, I will say, being stressed the hell out here >>>>> being stressed the hell out in NY. Quite possibly because finding someone to pet your head and give you a neck rub is a wee bit easier on this end, lol. Still... I think there were things I had to kinda learn, realize and deal with this week that I wouldn't have otherwise. All part of the journey I suppose. Bumps in the road are to be expected. Especially after a long hard mental winter. You know. Potholes.

Six more weeks at most... and at the other end, my job, gothic flail nights, karaoke, svoi, a cute roomie and someone who still surprises the red spicy hell out of me with how much he loves me....

*deep breath* I can so do this.

I dislike being hit in the communcation cortex. It makes me ornery.

Yesterday, amid various and sundry slow internet issues, EPEEN BSOD'ed. Restarting it went to chkdsk, indicating a dirty volume, provoking much sighing and stalking off to play through a couple decks of Set to calm myself down. When it got through and Windows started up again, Pidgin refused to load. It woud draw the buddy list window and then "Pidgin has encountered a problem and needs to close. NO IMS FOR YOU." Looks like I'm stuck using Meebo until I can take a few minutes to paw through the registry and reinstall.

This afternoon my phone started acting up. First of all it's been shutting down spontaneously all week. Today it froze when I tried to send a text message. After scratching my head, I managed to get it shut down and rebooted. Then while diving for an incoming call from cell23, it froze again and wouldn't come back.

GREAT TIMING, I'd like to mention. *fume*

I needed to get out of the house anyway, so I went to the AT&T service center in Manhattan, which is entirely staffed by hot black techies. Every cloud has a silver lining I suppose. Unfortunately, they pronounced my phone dead at 5:56PM EST. Alas, they do not actually sell cellys there, so back on the train with me, where I went to the AT&T store around the corner from the House and picked up this new blue thing that I'm not quite sure I like yet. Oh yeah, did I mention these folks kicked my free upgrade option back six months when I got my phone line severed from Stacey's account? So I had to pay the early upgrade fine on top of the phone. Fuckers. So now I'm back under contract to AT&T for two years. Oh the fuck well. I had no interest in switching anyway. Silver lining #2 - apparently I'd never set my old phone to store new numbers to the phone rather than the sim card. So I didn't actually lose any of my #s. Woot. Also we likeses the qwerty keyboard.

Maybe I should go off the grid for a bit. I have been feeling a bit of the communication overload lately. I just don't really like being forced off, you know?

Plans for the evening include phone setup (here's hoping I can force my bluetooth thingie to work one more time), Season #2 of South Park, The Soup, and HATING EVERYTHING.